Allow me to make a to-do list by this Friday.

8 x chemistry IAs (second drafts)
4 x physics IAS (first drafts)
Group 4 presentation
Math exploration
English essay
Spanish essay
Extended essay

Today is also my daddy's birthday ! He's fourty-nine this year. Time flies so fast, I wish he doesn't age that fast too. Sigh.

Cravings

Just look at this baby

Today I went on a pavlova adventure with JM and Andrew ! I swear I have been craving the pavlova for weeks...really. I even made a picture of the pavlova into my desktop background.

I actually ate pavlova before but that was years ago in Serai, Empire and I genuinely forgotten how it tastes like. So I've been craving for a few weeks...and finally went to satisfy them today :D omg it was so good I swear.

We were actually planning to go to Alexis @ Bangsar but it is so far away and Andrew had to go back at 4.30. So we went to Ben's @ KLCC instead. The pavlova there isn't exactly a cake, but a sandwich-like dessert with whipped cream and meringue in between topped with strawberries and jam.

We were extremely lucky because the pavlova we ordered was the last one available in Ben's ! OMG thank our lucky stars hahaha it'll be damn potong stim if we went all the way there to find that they ran out of stock. Also because it was the last one, we had extra strawberries because they want to finish off the strawberries I guess hahaha. Oh well, good for us !

I was so happy to eat it hahaha initially I was the only one who crave for it but I managed to drag Andrew and JM along with me to try it and I can say that they love it too :)

Planning to head to Alexis @ Bangsar one day !

Damn this post is too atas for my liking.

Feeling low

It's raining so heavily outside now. The sky is so dark and extremely thunder-clad. No way I'm going out to make dinner now.

Today I learnt that most of my friends got an offer letter from Manchester. I mean, I wanted to apply, but my results weren't shiny enough to do so.

I feel extremely worthless now - and I don't know how to make myself feel better.

Guess I should continue doing my economics commentaries in hopes to hand it in to Adrian before he leaves.

edit 0106:
fuck my life.

you know what. i won't sleep unless i finish my economics IAs. then i'll take them down for print tomorrow morning. yes. that is what i will do. God, give me strength.

edit 0243:
what is wrong with myself????

Dear blog, I have a lot to tell you, but right now there are three IAs whose deadlines are way overdue and I really really really have to complete them before my teacher realizes that mine is missing from the pile. Meanwhile I feel like curling up and make a makeshift shell so I can crawl in and pretend I'm not there when someone decides to probe and stick a stick up into it to see if I'm alive.

Also, this is a link to make marshmallows ! Omg how cool is that. http://smittenkitchen.com/blog/2009/06/springy-fluffy-marshmallows/

edit 0450:
Oxford Brookes rejected me :( it's expected, but I was still holding a glimmer of hope...

Dear God

I just want to dedicate a post to show appreciation to whatever I have, and having, now.

First off, thank you for my parents, who show adequate and overwhelming love and affection to me, who didn't appreciate them enough at times although I wish I have.

Thank you for dinner, for the past two days I have been eating well.

Thank you for the people who care for me, although at times it takes a long while to realize that.

Thank you for life, and thank you for being able to see what I am seeing now.

Valentine's Day

I slept at hours so odd I don't even remember how many days have just passed. Until JM asked me just now "Hey, do you know how many days you skipped school?"

And I was like NO LOL.

Oh my. I'm turning old. Can't even remember things like this.

This is my face when I am dating my 4000 word essay

So anyway, I think I manage to submit my EE first draft today. Wait I have not. It's still sitting in my room. I've been aiming to finish every IA and get the EE over and done with by Friday (today) so that I can genuinely enjoy Valentine's day because Andrew is taking me out.

Turns out I didn't submit much IAs and for the EE, I am seriously contemplating a redo. Because I feel that my EE is utter crap.

So. Valentine's Day. Honestly I don't know why people over the Internet is making such a big deal out of this, complaining about their singledom or I don't know, claiming righteously that everyday should be Valentine's day blabla. I cannot stand people trying to demonstrate how noble they can be especially on social media because that is just plain show-off to me and I think it is purely unnecessary. And as for singledom, look, it isn't that bad.

Also I got roses. From Tim. It was really unnecessary and I don't see the point of him doing this since we're not together anymore, but he insisted.

It was very sweet of him and I am touched that he still thinks of me although I don't know if I should be happy about that. I also felt kinda sad that things have to turn out this way between us. And also because this is my blog and I am entitled to be brutally honest, I actually don't like flowers. Because I don't know what to do with them and they die eventually.

-

Andrew took me out today ! He had a restaurant in mind already so that means I don't have to decide :'D no seriously I appreciate it because I hate making decisions even for those as simple as this.

We went to Morganfield's @ The Pavillion KL to have pork ribs hahaha. It's my first time eating them except those prepared chinese-style aka bahkuteh la haha. It was quite nice ! But it tasted so much like bagua hahaha the coincidence somemore, this year's Valentine's falls on the last day of CNY and hence it's also ChapGohMei - double Valentine's !

I noob, never ate western pork ribs before so Andrew had to teach me how to eat it #fail #paiseh. Something similar to this happened last time as well when we lunched at Nando's when he couldn't stand me stabbing the chicken ala caveman style so he just help me split it properly. I felt so much like a kid #megafail.

But I have to say that the portion at Morganfield's is really big. I couldn't finish half that rib but luckily Andrew is there so he finished it for me #thankgodforguys and made me finish the fries. 

Also did I mention that there was a hot waiter hahahaha all the way I was teasing Andrew about it to see him get jealous. My daily entertainment haha. But seriously the waiter is really hot. Bill turned out as expected because its famous western food hahaha. Went to walk around a bit in Pavi after that and ate gelato too it was so good. We were planning to have pavlova initially just because I was craving for cake two days ago. But I was too full from ribs so gelato was just nice :) 

-

During dessert session I don't know how but I started talking about my life. And my Asian-ego. I told Andrew that my doubts about my career in life are governed by my asian mentality. Believe me or not (I realized it recently too haha) but I am actually very asian. I actually think that as the first child of the family I should definitely pursue a professional career.

Andrew thinks that my real passion lies, eventually, in art. That - I don't know myself for sure. I really don't. I think my state of mind now is the product of the duality I adopted in life. All my life I've been a science student while sustaining my art on my own. I am, no doubt, proud of this achievement - of being able to draw without formal art education - but now it comes to the point to decide if I really want to sustain my life the way I've always been accustomed to, or to pursue something that I didn't get the chance to do for the most of my life due to my hectic IB schedule. But my ego is too big, too proud. I still hold the belief that studying art is not a professional career - at least here in Malaysia.

"Do you know why you're made to study science when you're young? It's not because your parents aspire you to take up professional careers in the future. It's because they want you to have the flexibility of choice."

Andrew says that I have to stop saying I don't know - and start thinking about what I really want in life. And so I did. I want a career that can possibly enable me to work flexibly - preferably not those constrained to on-site presence. Illustration bears an awesome prospect nowadays. But still...sigh.

Also I told him that I will skin him alive if he doesn't do something related to business or finance or economics. Guy's talented in this field - he should totally make use of it. 

- 

I honestly don't know why I decided to go out with Andrew. Don't get me wrong - it was an enjoyable experience and a rather fresh one - two people, not in a relationship, going on a date. I was aware that it's a Valentine's date and I am surprised that I actually get nervous when he started putting his hand around my shoulder - normal gesture I know, plus I had boyfriends before so I thought I'd be used to that. I actually started stammering and running out of words to say. I wonder if he felt the same. Maybe he can tell me one day when he discovers this blog hahaha.

700 more words to elaborate how top choices are made.

1000 more words for conclusion, limitations and an abstract.

a little bibliography and citing.

I CAN DO THIS. Lord, help me.

edit 0206:
i can do this.

friday friday friday...

edit 0349:
make this count...come on, self.

how do i tell my coordinator that i can't use the recommendation letter given to me by ms ellan because well, cardiff will laugh at it.

ohmygodwhatthefuck i just woke up.

i told myself i would wake up at like 9.30 and made sure that andrew would call me to wake me up knowing that i haven't got much discipline myself. but i snoozed my alarms and lied to andrew that i AM waking up and he didn't suspected a thing and hence i woke up at two minutes past midnight.

fuck. fuck fuck fuck.

okay okay i really need to do work. im doing my chem IAs now, which i hate and hate even more when people go asking me 'oh have you done your EE?' when they see what i am doing and im like 'no bitch' and i don't see your concern or your point of asking unless my answer gives you comfort and reduces your guilt and panic.

one at a time baby. no stress. i hope. i pray.

edit 0210:
three down, five more to go. COME ON. YOU CAN DO THIS.
finish this IA about enthalpy changes and you'll get a cup of ribena.

edit 0219:
don't compare don't compare don't compare ...keep at your own pace ...

edit 0304:
ohmygod why am i keep checking facebook when i know there won't be any fresh news cause every normal being is asleep at the moment???

edit 0416:
WHY HAS EVERYONE BEEN TO FRANCE

dear whoever who reads this blog but that's highly unlikely because this blog is now private,

if you're reading this i just want you to know that i am really really really really tired. im exhausted, and i don't want to do this anymore. i am tired of doing work, and staying up to do them is just plain annoying although i am not that sleepy. the main reason why i stay up because that happens to be the most productive time of my day. and then i am tired of sleeping, knowing that i'll wake up in two or one hour's time because that's when classes start and i have to drag my ass down to do MORE work. and then the 10.10 breaktime will come and i'll have to rush up to my room and plop myself on the bed to get as much sleep as i can in twenty minutes and when the bell rings i have to get down to class to do more work again.

i basically had just summed up my schedule for half the day.

i need motivation. i really do. nothing currently drives me.. okay maybe friday does motivate and keep me happy a little. what do i think about friday? i don't know. i am expecting it and i am excited for it, but i don't know what to expect out of it.

do you understand me?

edit 1439:
work due now:

8 x chemistry IAs, in which 3 of them are designs
3 x economics IAs, in which 1 is a redo
1 x physics IA, in which i haven't started on
1 x math exploration - i just have to write something for the conclusion and pray for the best !

edit 1458: 
andrew's giving me a history lesson now about the apartheid and nelson mandela. how entertaining !
can't imagine someone staying up late just to read bits of trivia.

edit 1614:
omg andrew's dad was a policeman. also, it's good to know that everyone hasn't done work.

it's always nice to know that you're not the only one in deep shit.

edit 1633:
the more he talks, the more i realize how brilliant he actually is, and the more i really want him to succeed.

ok ok ok ok i really really really have to finish this if not i won't get to have fun on friday. which is valentine's day. andrew's taking me out ! :D

or tuesday. which is romasha's birthday.

omg self. remember what you told yourself? you said you want to be part of the smart-party people. people who work hard and party harder. what happened to that ?!! do your work goddammit.

work due now:

8 x chemistry IAs, in which 3 of them are designs
3 x economics IAs, in which 1 is a redo
1 x physics IA, in which i haven't started on
1 x math exploration - i just have to write something for the conclusion and pray for the best !

kkkk what are you still doing here self. go back to work