I dream of how I could speak so fluently that I no longer stutter.
I dream of the day I will no longer need to cower and hide when I meet the people I do not wish to encounter.
I dream of the day where I spend lavishly without the guilt later on, simply because I can afford to.
I dream of how beautiful I will be, that I can simply prove how pathetic your expectations of me by making you devour the way I am dressed, the way I speak and the amazing experiences I have had without you in my life.
I want you to eat up your words which you have used to torment me for all these years. I want you to drown in the sight of my success.
Friday, 15 August 2014
Sunday, 3 August 2014
PopCulture @ The School, Jaya One
Got a tip from Denice that there is going to be a fashion bazaar this Saturday and Sunday so I went with her and Careen ! It's my first time going for a fashion bazaar and this time's PopCulture @ The School, Jaya One.
We found Jaya One using Waze (none of us know where that place is lolol) and stupid Waze took us for a little detour around Sunway Pyramid. What's more we're in hurry of time because all of us want to get the goodie bag limited to 100 pax only LOL #auntie
But we made it ! Fifteen minutes before 10 am which is the supposed opening time but when we got there, most stalls are still being set up and it officially opened around 10.15 am. #malaysiantiming So much for us worrying about not being early enough for the goodie bag HAHAHA.
Booths at PopCulture offer items (clothes, shoes, bags and misc accessories) usually sold online. I think that it's a great opportunity for potential customers to have a closer look at an item's quality and size cause the items might deviate from how it looks like Instagram accounts or blogshop sites. Some booths also offer pre-loved items priced extremely low - I got a Massimo Dutti top for RM 12. Great quality, design and no defects! I've also seen another girl extremely happy with a branded cap she got away with - smiles for everyone!
Went over to Bash's booth because that's where all the girls crowded at - guess Bash's founders are really efficient in marketing! Their stuff are one of the less expensive options there without forgoing style and quality. Follow their Instagram: @bashclothing
Got only two tops but not a bad experience I'd say, but a tip if you're a first-time visitor like me though - go with friends! It's way funner and you can always use extra advice when it comes to shopping.
Looking forward for the next bazaar!
We found Jaya One using Waze (none of us know where that place is lolol) and stupid Waze took us for a little detour around Sunway Pyramid. What's more we're in hurry of time because all of us want to get the goodie bag limited to 100 pax only LOL #auntie
But we made it ! Fifteen minutes before 10 am which is the supposed opening time but when we got there, most stalls are still being set up and it officially opened around 10.15 am. #malaysiantiming So much for us worrying about not being early enough for the goodie bag HAHAHA.
Booths at PopCulture offer items (clothes, shoes, bags and misc accessories) usually sold online. I think that it's a great opportunity for potential customers to have a closer look at an item's quality and size cause the items might deviate from how it looks like Instagram accounts or blogshop sites. Some booths also offer pre-loved items priced extremely low - I got a Massimo Dutti top for RM 12. Great quality, design and no defects! I've also seen another girl extremely happy with a branded cap she got away with - smiles for everyone!
Went over to Bash's booth because that's where all the girls crowded at - guess Bash's founders are really efficient in marketing! Their stuff are one of the less expensive options there without forgoing style and quality. Follow their Instagram: @bashclothing
Mint floral top by Bash; floral button-down by Massimo Dutti.
Also shown in the photo are goodie bag items such as haircare products and eye masks.
Got only two tops but not a bad experience I'd say, but a tip if you're a first-time visitor like me though - go with friends! It's way funner and you can always use extra advice when it comes to shopping.
Looking forward for the next bazaar!
Sunday, 27 July 2014
If you see me blogging it's mostly because I'm pretty damn bored. In today's case, I have no one to talk to (Andrew, whom I can spend the whole day talking to, is not around) and I can't stream movies to watch or else my brother will kill me, especially when he's having this mini sleepover with his friends and he's hogging the entire wifi by playing his stupid games.
To cure boredom I decided to play BioShock but it's taking a freaking long time to install. Ughhh.
So since I have nothing to do now, although I have work tomorrow and I should probably sleep early, I shall blog about my day !
Went to Publika for the first time in my life with my family today. Publika is sooo beautiful. And artsy. I can literally feel the artistic vibes and appreciation oozing out of the place. Plus, so many eateries and bars! I can totally imagine the crowd and atmosphere at night.
Ate at Publika's food court and damn, that was the nicest food court I've been to LOL. I had KinKin pan mee but it wasn't very good! Still preferred Super Kitchen's. We went to the famous Red Bean Bag cafe later and had some tea.
I honestly don't like coffee. Ughh, I don't know how people stomach it. It's bitter, sour, and it's hard to swallow. I may work in a cafe, but I really don't like coffee :X
Till next time !
To cure boredom I decided to play BioShock but it's taking a freaking long time to install. Ughhh.
So since I have nothing to do now, although I have work tomorrow and I should probably sleep early, I shall blog about my day !
Went to Publika for the first time in my life with my family today. Publika is sooo beautiful. And artsy. I can literally feel the artistic vibes and appreciation oozing out of the place. Plus, so many eateries and bars! I can totally imagine the crowd and atmosphere at night.
Ate at Publika's food court and damn, that was the nicest food court I've been to LOL. I had KinKin pan mee but it wasn't very good! Still preferred Super Kitchen's. We went to the famous Red Bean Bag cafe later and had some tea.
Bella and the Jets
Ordered it because their recommended Eggs Benedict is sold out.
Sounds like a band name but it is quite good!
I honestly don't like coffee. Ughh, I don't know how people stomach it. It's bitter, sour, and it's hard to swallow. I may work in a cafe, but I really don't like coffee :X
Till next time !
Tuesday, 15 July 2014
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I haven't posted in quite a while.
Despite me having a million things to do after the IB, I've crossed out pretty much everything on my to-do list which I have compiled during the nights I spent studying in Fairview.
So, rather than rotting myself away at home, I decided to get a job. Two jobs, in fact. On weekdays I work as an assistant tuition teacher and on weekends I work at a café. Most people looked at me like I'm crazy when I told them that with common responds like: what, you have no day offs?
I don't ! And I don't actually mind lol. I only work for maximum six hours on weekends so I still get to spend half a day on stuff I like to do. It's the weekday job that's tiring me out. But kids there are really adorable! I teach primary school kids by the way. My job is mostly to monitor the kids' progress on their homework, which is usually a tonne of them considering that they're mostly from chinese primary schools. They're actually really obedient and they never really retaliate to what I asked them to do! Don't know if I was like that too last time or I was a pure rebel lol I just remembered that I got caned quite constantly when I was in Standard 3.
But the way the kids come up to you to ask your for help on their homework - it's pure cuteness! I always like not giving them answers right away but rather break the question down for them to figure it out themselves, and when they do, they'll give you this awkward, oh-that's-how-it-is smile which makes everything so worth it.
It's tiring nonetheless. Requires quite a lot of patience to make kids understand what they're supposed to do. I have to talk so much to the point where my lips actually cracked and started bleeding in the first week on my job.
If you're curious on where I worked at during weekends, the answer is: Brew & Bread @ Kota Kemuning! Come and visit no discounts guaranteed lol. Maybe I'll feel extra nice that day and I'll give you an extra smile haha.
Wednesday, 25 June 2014
Graduation and Prom !
Hi all! From my last post I have already said that I was officially done with the IB! Hence on the 18th of June I had my graduation on prom on THE SAME DAY. Trust Fairview in saving cost for having it on the same day at the same venue :P
To be honest there are only a few people that I would really, really miss despite my small class size. The end of the programme signified that some are leaving the state and hence a lesser opportunity to see them more often. Plus, I stay a distance away from KL, so it will also be quite inconvenient to travel all the way into town. Sometimes I enjoyed staying in my hostel because it's so near to the heart of KL and all the nearby malls LOL.
Only one graduation picture cause the rest is sill in my camera!
After graduation Jiamin, Jamie and I went to Jamie's mom's place at Hartamas to get ready for prom. The five-hour slot between graduation and prom may seem like quite a long time but it wasn't enough actually! After we ate and everything (McD's delivery) we only have like three hours left to prepare - which wasn't enough because we're girls. LOL.
And obviously I took the longest time to prep myself because I'm slow like that hahaha. Jamie drove us to prom later on and let the pictures here do the talking !
To be honest there are only a few people that I would really, really miss despite my small class size. The end of the programme signified that some are leaving the state and hence a lesser opportunity to see them more often. Plus, I stay a distance away from KL, so it will also be quite inconvenient to travel all the way into town. Sometimes I enjoyed staying in my hostel because it's so near to the heart of KL and all the nearby malls LOL.
Only one graduation picture cause the rest is sill in my camera!
After graduation Jiamin, Jamie and I went to Jamie's mom's place at Hartamas to get ready for prom. The five-hour slot between graduation and prom may seem like quite a long time but it wasn't enough actually! After we ate and everything (McD's delivery) we only have like three hours left to prepare - which wasn't enough because we're girls. LOL.
And obviously I took the longest time to prep myself because I'm slow like that hahaha. Jamie drove us to prom later on and let the pictures here do the talking !
Noob boyfriend who asked me out for prom since February HAHAHA.
Why you so cute?!
Really, really like this photo of us!
Got a thing for polaroids but no $$$ to buy zzz
My beautiful (and loud) room mate who taught me that sometimes in life, you gotta be thick-skinned to win.
Kush who has a fetish for untying the shoelaces of unsuspecting victims.
That's all for now I suppose! Personally also to mention that after this event, my make-up skills have kinda improved. In reality I don't look this good la hahaha.
Monday, 16 June 2014
Shopping Fast
I just realized I haven't posted in awhile D: anyway updates: the most important one is - IB IS OVER !! (it's actually over for like three weeks already just that I was too lazy to blog).
The joy and energy might have died down a bit now since IB ended three weeks ago and boredom is starting to settle in but nonetheless, I'm finally free from the chains of this two-year prison ! No more 4000-word essay, no more lab reports, no more math. Omg. No. More. Math.
So what I've been up to recently since I have nothing to do until uni starts (haven't even registered yet lmao)?
...
Shopping.
I think I had never spent that much in such a short span of time in my life. Within three weeks I revamped my cosmetics collection and bought so much clothes. Alright, 3 - 5 pieces but I'm quite stingy when it comes to spending on myself so I'm feeling pretty guilty right now.
When it comes to shopping I kept telling myself that I'm twenty and I need new clothes to dress my age but when the day comes to an end I kept feeling extremely guilty and swore to go on a shopping fast. Anyway let's hope this fast lasts until I find a job and earn my own cash.
The joy and energy might have died down a bit now since IB ended three weeks ago and boredom is starting to settle in but nonetheless, I'm finally free from the chains of this two-year prison ! No more 4000-word essay, no more lab reports, no more math. Omg. No. More. Math.
So what I've been up to recently since I have nothing to do until uni starts (haven't even registered yet lmao)?
...
Shopping.
I think I had never spent that much in such a short span of time in my life. Within three weeks I revamped my cosmetics collection and bought so much clothes. Alright, 3 - 5 pieces but I'm quite stingy when it comes to spending on myself so I'm feeling pretty guilty right now.
When it comes to shopping I kept telling myself that I'm twenty and I need new clothes to dress my age but when the day comes to an end I kept feeling extremely guilty and swore to go on a shopping fast. Anyway let's hope this fast lasts until I find a job and earn my own cash.
Saturday, 29 March 2014
Tuesday, 25 March 2014
Bored
I am so fucking bored. There are exams next week and i should probably study but I am not because I DON'T FEEL LIKE STUDYING.
BUT I'M SO BORED YET NOTHING ELSE APPEALS TO ME.
I don't feel hungry, or else I can eat to cure my boredness.
I don't feel like playing the piano, although I did try and it just makes me feel even bored.
My eyes are tired and I don't want to watch TV or videos now.
I'm so bored I don't even want to play Don't Starve.
Oh allow me to talk about Don't Starve !
The best way to describe the game - Tim Burton's version of the Hunger Games LOL.
I'm serious - the objective of the game is to survive as many days as you can. You'll play as a character which have different attributes (my favourite is Willow because she has her special lighter) and you will be thrown in a terrain completely without tools or equipment. To survive you have to scavenge for resources around your environment and build tools which will help you scavenge for more resources.
Andrew bought it for me on Steam and I was addicted to it yesterday because I was on my current highscore of 20 days. And then I died wtf.
K I think I should study because since I'ms so bored and nothing else appeals to me now I think I am meant to study wtf.
Mmm. Maybe I'll have a movie night tonight.
BUT I'M SO BORED YET NOTHING ELSE APPEALS TO ME.
I don't feel hungry, or else I can eat to cure my boredness.
I don't feel like playing the piano, although I did try and it just makes me feel even bored.
My eyes are tired and I don't want to watch TV or videos now.
I'm so bored I don't even want to play Don't Starve.
Oh allow me to talk about Don't Starve !
The best way to describe the game - Tim Burton's version of the Hunger Games LOL.
I'm serious - the objective of the game is to survive as many days as you can. You'll play as a character which have different attributes (my favourite is Willow because she has her special lighter) and you will be thrown in a terrain completely without tools or equipment. To survive you have to scavenge for resources around your environment and build tools which will help you scavenge for more resources.
Andrew bought it for me on Steam and I was addicted to it yesterday because I was on my current highscore of 20 days. And then I died wtf.
K I think I should study because since I'ms so bored and nothing else appeals to me now I think I am meant to study wtf.
Mmm. Maybe I'll have a movie night tonight.
Tuesday, 18 March 2014
I'm so bored. So I shall blog.
Today was quite a nice day because I finished all my IAs and I felt as though I didn't know what to do with my life. I even went for Physics HL classes despite not being needed there, and I actually sat down to study Chemistry. I also got my calculator upgraded, and now it's not retarded anymore :D
I have just attempted the Economics paper 3 questions. Gave up on it because I didn't know how to do most of it.
Now, I'm bored. Contemplating if I should do a little Math, since I have no idea what is going on in class anyway.
Today was quite a nice day because I finished all my IAs and I felt as though I didn't know what to do with my life. I even went for Physics HL classes despite not being needed there, and I actually sat down to study Chemistry. I also got my calculator upgraded, and now it's not retarded anymore :D
I have just attempted the Economics paper 3 questions. Gave up on it because I didn't know how to do most of it.
Now, I'm bored. Contemplating if I should do a little Math, since I have no idea what is going on in class anyway.
Sunday, 9 March 2014
Racing against time
FUCK. I sleep too, too much. Woke up at like 2 pm and fell asleep at 5 pm. This is not good when I have pending work such as 5 goddamn Physics IAs and 2 Chemistry IAs. To top it off I still have my Math IA (yes, which I haven't completed) which is supposed to be completed on Friday but I didn't because I accidentally fell asleep at like 9...
COME ON COME ON COME ON YOU CAN DO THIS
COME ON COME ON COME ON YOU CAN DO THIS
Wednesday, 5 March 2014
If there's one thing I hate about myself it's my lack of self-discipline. I am being serious.
Tomorrow, well, precisely, about 6 hours from now, I will be having a Skype admissions interview with HKU. And I have not prepared anything. I'm not exactly nervous right now but I know it will be nerve-wrecking later on.
It is also now 3 am and I am only starting to do my Math Exploration. #loser.
Also dear future self if you are reading this, there is a water cut in FIS today. Most agonizing thing that could happen is unflushable toilets. #firstworldproblems
To-do list for the week (or what's left of it)
2 x chemistry IAs: second drafts
5 x physics IAs: first drafts (Mr James is really pestering me about this)
Math Exploration (please please please let me get done with this)
Most probably the way overdue English essay when I have the time and when I am done with almost everything.
Tomorrow, well, precisely, about 6 hours from now, I will be having a Skype admissions interview with HKU. And I have not prepared anything. I'm not exactly nervous right now but I know it will be nerve-wrecking later on.
It is also now 3 am and I am only starting to do my Math Exploration. #loser.
Also dear future self if you are reading this, there is a water cut in FIS today. Most agonizing thing that could happen is unflushable toilets. #firstworldproblems
To-do list for the week (or what's left of it)
2 x chemistry IAs: second drafts
5 x physics IAs: first drafts (Mr James is really pestering me about this)
Math Exploration (please please please let me get done with this)
Most probably the way overdue English essay when I have the time and when I am done with almost everything.
Monday, 24 February 2014
Allow me to make a to-do list by this Friday.
8 x chemistry IAs (second drafts)
4 x physics IAS (first drafts)
Group 4 presentation
Math exploration
English essay
Spanish essay
Extended essay
Today is also my daddy's birthday ! He's fourty-nine this year. Time flies so fast, I wish he doesn't age that fast too. Sigh.
8 x chemistry IAs (second drafts)
4 x physics IAS (first drafts)
Group 4 presentation
Math exploration
English essay
Spanish essay
Extended essay
Today is also my daddy's birthday ! He's fourty-nine this year. Time flies so fast, I wish he doesn't age that fast too. Sigh.
Friday, 21 February 2014
Cravings
Just look at this baby
I actually ate pavlova before but that was years ago in Serai, Empire and I genuinely forgotten how it tastes like. So I've been craving for a few weeks...and finally went to satisfy them today :D omg it was so good I swear.
We were actually planning to go to Alexis @ Bangsar but it is so far away and Andrew had to go back at 4.30. So we went to Ben's @ KLCC instead. The pavlova there isn't exactly a cake, but a sandwich-like dessert with whipped cream and meringue in between topped with strawberries and jam.
We were extremely lucky because the pavlova we ordered was the last one available in Ben's ! OMG thank our lucky stars hahaha it'll be damn potong stim if we went all the way there to find that they ran out of stock. Also because it was the last one, we had extra strawberries because they want to finish off the strawberries I guess hahaha. Oh well, good for us !
I was so happy to eat it hahaha initially I was the only one who crave for it but I managed to drag Andrew and JM along with me to try it and I can say that they love it too :)
Planning to head to Alexis @ Bangsar one day !
Damn this post is too atas for my liking.
Tuesday, 18 February 2014
Feeling low
It's raining so heavily outside now. The sky is so dark and extremely thunder-clad. No way I'm going out to make dinner now.
Today I learnt that most of my friends got an offer letter from Manchester. I mean, I wanted to apply, but my results weren't shiny enough to do so.
I feel extremely worthless now - and I don't know how to make myself feel better.
Guess I should continue doing my economics commentaries in hopes to hand it in to Adrian before he leaves.
edit 0106:
fuck my life.
you know what. i won't sleep unless i finish my economics IAs. then i'll take them down for print tomorrow morning. yes. that is what i will do. God, give me strength.
edit 0243:
what is wrong with myself????
Today I learnt that most of my friends got an offer letter from Manchester. I mean, I wanted to apply, but my results weren't shiny enough to do so.
I feel extremely worthless now - and I don't know how to make myself feel better.
Guess I should continue doing my economics commentaries in hopes to hand it in to Adrian before he leaves.
edit 0106:
fuck my life.
you know what. i won't sleep unless i finish my economics IAs. then i'll take them down for print tomorrow morning. yes. that is what i will do. God, give me strength.
edit 0243:
what is wrong with myself????
Monday, 17 February 2014
Dear blog, I have a lot to tell you, but right now there are three IAs whose deadlines are way overdue and I really really really have to complete them before my teacher realizes that mine is missing from the pile. Meanwhile I feel like curling up and make a makeshift shell so I can crawl in and pretend I'm not there when someone decides to probe and stick a stick up into it to see if I'm alive.
Also, this is a link to make marshmallows ! Omg how cool is that. http://smittenkitchen.com/blog/2009/06/springy-fluffy-marshmallows/
edit 0450:
Oxford Brookes rejected me :( it's expected, but I was still holding a glimmer of hope...
Also, this is a link to make marshmallows ! Omg how cool is that. http://smittenkitchen.com/blog/2009/06/springy-fluffy-marshmallows/
edit 0450:
Oxford Brookes rejected me :( it's expected, but I was still holding a glimmer of hope...
Saturday, 15 February 2014
Dear God
I just want to dedicate a post to show appreciation to whatever I have, and having, now.
First off, thank you for my parents, who show adequate and overwhelming love and affection to me, who didn't appreciate them enough at times although I wish I have.
Thank you for dinner, for the past two days I have been eating well.
Thank you for the people who care for me, although at times it takes a long while to realize that.
Thank you for life, and thank you for being able to see what I am seeing now.
First off, thank you for my parents, who show adequate and overwhelming love and affection to me, who didn't appreciate them enough at times although I wish I have.
Thank you for dinner, for the past two days I have been eating well.
Thank you for the people who care for me, although at times it takes a long while to realize that.
Thank you for life, and thank you for being able to see what I am seeing now.
Friday, 14 February 2014
Valentine's Day
I slept at hours so odd I don't even remember how many days have just passed. Until JM asked me just now "Hey, do you know how many days you skipped school?"
And I was like NO LOL.
Oh my. I'm turning old. Can't even remember things like this.
So anyway, I think I manage to submit my EE first draft today. Wait I have not. It's still sitting in my room. I've been aiming to finish every IA and get the EE over and done with by Friday (today) so that I can genuinely enjoy Valentine's day because Andrew is taking me out.
Turns out I didn't submit much IAs and for the EE, I am seriously contemplating a redo. Because I feel that my EE is utter crap.
So. Valentine's Day. Honestly I don't know why people over the Internet is making such a big deal out of this, complaining about their singledom or I don't know, claiming righteously that everyday should be Valentine's day blabla. I cannot stand people trying to demonstrate how noble they can be especially on social media because that is just plain show-off to me and I think it is purely unnecessary. And as for singledom, look, it isn't that bad.
Also I got roses. From Tim. It was really unnecessary and I don't see the point of him doing this since we're not together anymore, but he insisted.
It was very sweet of him and I am touched that he still thinks of me although I don't know if I should be happy about that. I also felt kinda sad that things have to turn out this way between us. And also because this is my blog and I am entitled to be brutally honest, I actually don't like flowers. Because I don't know what to do with them and they die eventually.
-
Andrew took me out today ! He had a restaurant in mind already so that means I don't have to decide :'D no seriously I appreciate it because I hate making decisions even for those as simple as this.
We went to Morganfield's @ The Pavillion KL to have pork ribs hahaha. It's my first time eating them except those prepared chinese-style aka bahkuteh la haha. It was quite nice ! But it tasted so much like bagua hahaha the coincidence somemore, this year's Valentine's falls on the last day of CNY and hence it's also ChapGohMei - double Valentine's !
And I was like NO LOL.
Oh my. I'm turning old. Can't even remember things like this.
This is my face when I am dating my 4000 word essay
So anyway, I think I manage to submit my EE first draft today. Wait I have not. It's still sitting in my room. I've been aiming to finish every IA and get the EE over and done with by Friday (today) so that I can genuinely enjoy Valentine's day because Andrew is taking me out.
Turns out I didn't submit much IAs and for the EE, I am seriously contemplating a redo. Because I feel that my EE is utter crap.
So. Valentine's Day. Honestly I don't know why people over the Internet is making such a big deal out of this, complaining about their singledom or I don't know, claiming righteously that everyday should be Valentine's day blabla. I cannot stand people trying to demonstrate how noble they can be especially on social media because that is just plain show-off to me and I think it is purely unnecessary. And as for singledom, look, it isn't that bad.
Also I got roses. From Tim. It was really unnecessary and I don't see the point of him doing this since we're not together anymore, but he insisted.
It was very sweet of him and I am touched that he still thinks of me although I don't know if I should be happy about that. I also felt kinda sad that things have to turn out this way between us. And also because this is my blog and I am entitled to be brutally honest, I actually don't like flowers. Because I don't know what to do with them and they die eventually.
-
Andrew took me out today ! He had a restaurant in mind already so that means I don't have to decide :'D no seriously I appreciate it because I hate making decisions even for those as simple as this.
We went to Morganfield's @ The Pavillion KL to have pork ribs hahaha. It's my first time eating them except those prepared chinese-style aka bahkuteh la haha. It was quite nice ! But it tasted so much like bagua hahaha the coincidence somemore, this year's Valentine's falls on the last day of CNY and hence it's also ChapGohMei - double Valentine's !
I noob, never ate western pork ribs before so Andrew had to teach me how to eat it #fail #paiseh. Something similar to this happened last time as well when we lunched at Nando's when he couldn't stand me stabbing the chicken ala caveman style so he just help me split it properly. I felt so much like a kid #megafail.
But I have to say that the portion at Morganfield's is really big. I couldn't finish half that rib but luckily Andrew is there so he finished it for me #thankgodforguys and made me finish the fries.
Also did I mention that there was a hot waiter hahahaha all the way I was teasing Andrew about it to see him get jealous. My daily entertainment haha. But seriously the waiter is really hot. Bill turned out as expected because its famous western food hahaha. Went to walk around a bit in Pavi after that and ate gelato too it was so good. We were planning to have pavlova initially just because I was craving for cake two days ago. But I was too full from ribs so gelato was just nice :)
-
During dessert session I don't know how but I started talking about my life. And my Asian-ego. I told Andrew that my doubts about my career in life are governed by my asian mentality. Believe me or not (I realized it recently too haha) but I am actually very asian. I actually think that as the first child of the family I should definitely pursue a professional career.
Andrew thinks that my real passion lies, eventually, in art. That - I don't know myself for sure. I really don't. I think my state of mind now is the product of the duality I adopted in life. All my life I've been a science student while sustaining my art on my own. I am, no doubt, proud of this achievement - of being able to draw without formal art education - but now it comes to the point to decide if I really want to sustain my life the way I've always been accustomed to, or to pursue something that I didn't get the chance to do for the most of my life due to my hectic IB schedule. But my ego is too big, too proud. I still hold the belief that studying art is not a professional career - at least here in Malaysia.
"Do you know why you're made to study science when you're young? It's not because your parents aspire you to take up professional careers in the future. It's because they want you to have the flexibility of choice."
Andrew says that I have to stop saying I don't know - and start thinking about what I really want in life. And so I did. I want a career that can possibly enable me to work flexibly - preferably not those constrained to on-site presence. Illustration bears an awesome prospect nowadays. But still...sigh.
Also I told him that I will skin him alive if he doesn't do something related to business or finance or economics. Guy's talented in this field - he should totally make use of it.
-
I honestly don't know why I decided to go out with Andrew. Don't get me wrong - it was an enjoyable experience and a rather fresh one - two people, not in a relationship, going on a date. I was aware that it's a Valentine's date and I am surprised that I actually get nervous when he started putting his hand around my shoulder - normal gesture I know, plus I had boyfriends before so I thought I'd be used to that. I actually started stammering and running out of words to say. I wonder if he felt the same. Maybe he can tell me one day when he discovers this blog hahaha.
Thursday, 13 February 2014
Monday, 10 February 2014
ohmygodwhatthefuck i just woke up.
i told myself i would wake up at like 9.30 and made sure that andrew would call me to wake me up knowing that i haven't got much discipline myself. but i snoozed my alarms and lied to andrew that i AM waking up and he didn't suspected a thing and hence i woke up at two minutes past midnight.
fuck. fuck fuck fuck.
okay okay i really need to do work. im doing my chem IAs now, which i hate and hate even more when people go asking me 'oh have you done your EE?' when they see what i am doing and im like 'no bitch' and i don't see your concern or your point of asking unless my answer gives you comfort and reduces your guilt and panic.
one at a time baby. no stress. i hope. i pray.
edit 0210:
three down, five more to go. COME ON. YOU CAN DO THIS.
finish this IA about enthalpy changes and you'll get a cup of ribena.
edit 0219:
don't compare don't compare don't compare ...keep at your own pace ...
edit 0304:
ohmygod why am i keep checking facebook when i know there won't be any fresh news cause every normal being is asleep at the moment???
edit 0416:
WHY HAS EVERYONE BEEN TO FRANCE
i told myself i would wake up at like 9.30 and made sure that andrew would call me to wake me up knowing that i haven't got much discipline myself. but i snoozed my alarms and lied to andrew that i AM waking up and he didn't suspected a thing and hence i woke up at two minutes past midnight.
fuck. fuck fuck fuck.
okay okay i really need to do work. im doing my chem IAs now, which i hate and hate even more when people go asking me 'oh have you done your EE?' when they see what i am doing and im like 'no bitch' and i don't see your concern or your point of asking unless my answer gives you comfort and reduces your guilt and panic.
one at a time baby. no stress. i hope. i pray.
edit 0210:
three down, five more to go. COME ON. YOU CAN DO THIS.
finish this IA about enthalpy changes and you'll get a cup of ribena.
edit 0219:
don't compare don't compare don't compare ...keep at your own pace ...
edit 0304:
ohmygod why am i keep checking facebook when i know there won't be any fresh news cause every normal being is asleep at the moment???
edit 0416:
WHY HAS EVERYONE BEEN TO FRANCE
Sunday, 9 February 2014
dear whoever who reads this blog but that's highly unlikely because this blog is now private,
if you're reading this i just want you to know that i am really really really really tired. im exhausted, and i don't want to do this anymore. i am tired of doing work, and staying up to do them is just plain annoying although i am not that sleepy. the main reason why i stay up because that happens to be the most productive time of my day. and then i am tired of sleeping, knowing that i'll wake up in two or one hour's time because that's when classes start and i have to drag my ass down to do MORE work. and then the 10.10 breaktime will come and i'll have to rush up to my room and plop myself on the bed to get as much sleep as i can in twenty minutes and when the bell rings i have to get down to class to do more work again.
i basically had just summed up my schedule for half the day.
i need motivation. i really do. nothing currently drives me.. okay maybe friday does motivate and keep me happy a little. what do i think about friday? i don't know. i am expecting it and i am excited for it, but i don't know what to expect out of it.
do you understand me?
edit 1439:
work due now:
8 x chemistry IAs, in which 3 of them are designs
3 x economics IAs, in which 1 is a redo
1 x physics IA, in which i haven't started on
1 x math exploration - i just have to write something for the conclusion and pray for the best !
edit 1458:
andrew's giving me a history lesson now about the apartheid and nelson mandela. how entertaining !
can't imagine someone staying up late just to read bits of trivia.
edit 1614:
omg andrew's dad was a policeman. also, it's good to know that everyone hasn't done work.
it's always nice to know that you're not the only one in deep shit.
edit 1633:
the more he talks, the more i realize how brilliant he actually is, and the more i really want him to succeed.
if you're reading this i just want you to know that i am really really really really tired. im exhausted, and i don't want to do this anymore. i am tired of doing work, and staying up to do them is just plain annoying although i am not that sleepy. the main reason why i stay up because that happens to be the most productive time of my day. and then i am tired of sleeping, knowing that i'll wake up in two or one hour's time because that's when classes start and i have to drag my ass down to do MORE work. and then the 10.10 breaktime will come and i'll have to rush up to my room and plop myself on the bed to get as much sleep as i can in twenty minutes and when the bell rings i have to get down to class to do more work again.
i basically had just summed up my schedule for half the day.
i need motivation. i really do. nothing currently drives me.. okay maybe friday does motivate and keep me happy a little. what do i think about friday? i don't know. i am expecting it and i am excited for it, but i don't know what to expect out of it.
do you understand me?
edit 1439:
work due now:
8 x chemistry IAs, in which 3 of them are designs
3 x economics IAs, in which 1 is a redo
1 x physics IA, in which i haven't started on
1 x math exploration - i just have to write something for the conclusion and pray for the best !
edit 1458:
andrew's giving me a history lesson now about the apartheid and nelson mandela. how entertaining !
can't imagine someone staying up late just to read bits of trivia.
edit 1614:
omg andrew's dad was a policeman. also, it's good to know that everyone hasn't done work.
it's always nice to know that you're not the only one in deep shit.
edit 1633:
the more he talks, the more i realize how brilliant he actually is, and the more i really want him to succeed.
ok ok ok ok i really really really have to finish this if not i won't get to have fun on friday. which is valentine's day. andrew's taking me out ! :D
or tuesday. which is romasha's birthday.
omg self. remember what you told yourself? you said you want to be part of the smart-party people. people who work hard and party harder. what happened to that ?!! do your work goddammit.
work due now:
8 x chemistry IAs, in which 3 of them are designs
3 x economics IAs, in which 1 is a redo
1 x physics IA, in which i haven't started on
1 x math exploration - i just have to write something for the conclusion and pray for the best !
kkkk what are you still doing here self. go back to work
or tuesday. which is romasha's birthday.
omg self. remember what you told yourself? you said you want to be part of the smart-party people. people who work hard and party harder. what happened to that ?!! do your work goddammit.
work due now:
8 x chemistry IAs, in which 3 of them are designs
3 x economics IAs, in which 1 is a redo
1 x physics IA, in which i haven't started on
1 x math exploration - i just have to write something for the conclusion and pray for the best !
kkkk what are you still doing here self. go back to work
Friday, 3 January 2014
Reminiscence
I was researching about A Levels art portfolios and I came across really, really good ones. And now I'm starting to get a tad bit scared. Not intimidated, because 1) those portfolios are really really good and 2) I have none to begin with so no comparison can be even draw LOL.
And to add on that, I just sent in my UCAS application. I kinda hate myself for applying for architecture now - something that requires a portfolio which is currently non existent in my case - instead of applying for a course that doesn't need me to flyover for an interview, a BMAT or LMAT examination or a portfolio.
I'm really screwed, am I? *derp*
- - -
1) The IB World Student Conference (IBWSC) in UBC, Canada.
This has to be the best thing that has ever happened in 2013 for me. I mean, c'mon, I've managed to land my ass in a country half a globe away from my own, for free (okay I do have to pay for my own visa but that doesn't count) - but the whole point is, how many people actually get such an opportunity?! I guess I was really, really lucky.
It was a shit awesome experience for me because Vancouver is freaking beautiful and UBC had been a great host (single rooms, buffet breakfast with bacon almost everyday - you get the idea). I made a lot of new friends (white people yey) and I am really glad to keep in touch with them.
Tori and Emily are really, really nice to me by Skyping with me to wish me a happy birthday ! I really hope that one day we'll meet up because I miss them to bits <3
Of course there's Hieu and Hogan too, my favourite Texans. I thought Hogan was pretty cute at first glance and Hieu is pretty much one of the friendliest people I've met in the conference.
A few notable scenes in my week in Vancouver:
- People think its pretty weird for me to drink hot chocolate for breakfast because apparently that's a drink for winter?!
- The first thing I said to my Texas buds. "So, do you guys really have cowboys?" Oh my god why did I say that.
- That strawberry yoghurt in the food hall was really, really good.
- Had my first dancing experience. On a deck. On a private cruise. In Vancouver.
- In the same cruise, the sushi served for dinner was pretty bad LOL I could find better ones in Malaysia.
- I fed wasabi to my Texan friend and laughed as he choke I'M SORRY I'M SORRY
- Dude in my group from mainland China was soooo shocked when he knows I speak Mandarin hahaha I swear, being Malaysian isn't that bad. Don't get me started on "wow, you speak good English" please.
- On the bright side, I've only encountered one person who doesn't know where Malaysia actually is.
- I had the worst sandwich ever in Robson Square, it was like eating cardboard.
- My bathroom mate was from Taiwan and I really regretted not talking much to her.
- Xander was cute and I really wished I spent more time with him <3
- I never really liked my GAT group. I doubt any of my team members liked it. The experience would've greatly improved if everyone didn't wish they were somewhere else.
- I didn't get to swim because the pool was closed earlier than we expected :C
- We wallked. A LOT. I'm not even kidding, I think I haven't walked that much in a week before.
- That Starbucks tumbler I got from Vancouver was sold a little cheaper than the ones sold in Malaysia.
Overall I couldn't ask for more because it was really awesome beyond words. When I first received the email from UBC saying that I got the scholarship, my hands are shaking. My hands don't shake easily, even when I'm nervous (I usually stutter a lot) - they do when I'm excited, and at that point I'm excited beyond words because I wanted to tell the whole world that I'm going to Canada for free, but I restrained myself because I don't want to sound too show-offy. I mean, if someone did that to me I'd probably be jealous for the rest of my life, shut myself in the room and form completely ridiculous reasons why I should start hating her.
Then I forwarded the email to my parents - never called, because I wanted them to find it in a more unexpected manner. They called me once they read it and it brings me incomparable joy hearing how happy they are for me.
I think that it also kinda made me grew more independent because I freaking did all the visa applications by myself.
Oh did I mentioned that I wasn't the only one who got the scholarship? Kendrix did too, and it was a pretty awkward twenty-hour flight with him to Vancouver (I'm pretty positive that he felt the same too - we weren't exactly very close in class). Nevertheless, he was a great guide because he was constantly in an out of the country while the last international flight I had was when I was ten. LOL. Thanks, Kendrix.
Oh my god I realized how long I've written for this section. This can actually be a whole blog post by itself. Please bear with me !
When we arrived we were ushered to meet so many important people - I had a hard time remembering who's who, but I've successfully came to actual contact with my email correspondences. Naomi and Karen had offered great assistance across the net and this wouldn't have been possible without them :')
I honestly thought that UBC was my sponsor but apparently not ! After being introduced to Karen, she introduced me to Jenni Williams from OSC, whose organization funded our expenses.
- -
2) Travelling to Japan with my family.
My family aren't big spenders, and trips are usually done within Malaysia - hence I'd hope you'd understand how big a surprised it came to me when my parents decided to bring us to Japan in December !
How do I even start.
JAPAN IS FUCKING BEAUTIFUL. And cold. Yes, and cold. But that didn't stop Japanese chicks from keeping up with their fashion trends !
I've only been to Kyoto, Hida Takayama and Osaka - not even great cities like Tokyo - and I'm already in love with this city. I promise I will make a post about Japan. Soon.
How do I even start.
JAPAN IS FUCKING BEAUTIFUL. And cold. Yes, and cold. But that didn't stop Japanese chicks from keeping up with their fashion trends !
I've only been to Kyoto, Hida Takayama and Osaka - not even great cities like Tokyo - and I'm already in love with this city. I promise I will make a post about Japan. Soon.
- -
3) The break-up.
This didn't come as a big surprise. I saw it coming, but I hadn't prepared for it and I had definitely not expected it so soon.
When it started, it went smoothly. I honestly thought I've found a love independently after I got over the fact that they shared a same name.
Despite everything, I did know one thing - that I've genuinely loved Tim.
It was really weird how I was sank by the same person who pulled me out of my mess one year ago. I knew he didn't mean it, but I was so, so mad when he did it. And it wasn't like he intended to tell me, if I hadn't asked !
Sometimes I feel like an idiot, trying to keep us both afloat.
All I know was I kept crying about it - about someone who I knew didn't deserved me. But I couldn't help it. I was torn between being mad at him and trying to understand why didn't he tell me before. I felt like I've been tricked.
We were doing fine ! This, I so badly wanted to tell him. At that point I imagined myself screaming and shouting in front of him, throwing everything in sight on the ground, breaking them. So not my usual demeanour, but in this subconscious world of mine I didn't understand why wasn't I behaving like my usual self. Or maybe I did know, and I wanted to find the outcome of my actions. I raced out of the room, hoping wholeheartedly that he would come after me.
He didn't.
The truth that he didn't intended to tell me in the first place was nice slash itself. It was as though he was waiting for me to make the move so that his guilt could be reduced as my depression that came after was triggered by myself.
I didn't want to talk to him, to stay mad, to make him realize the consequence of his actions, but I know that he probably doesn't even care and I'll end up hurting myself.
He told me he loves me, but what is the value behind those words when he never intended to fight for me?
But I thank him for making me realize what love really feels like despite the messed up relationship before in which I thought had destroyed me.
When it started, it went smoothly. I honestly thought I've found a love independently after I got over the fact that they shared a same name.
Despite everything, I did know one thing - that I've genuinely loved Tim.
It was really weird how I was sank by the same person who pulled me out of my mess one year ago. I knew he didn't mean it, but I was so, so mad when he did it. And it wasn't like he intended to tell me, if I hadn't asked !
Sometimes I feel like an idiot, trying to keep us both afloat.
All I know was I kept crying about it - about someone who I knew didn't deserved me. But I couldn't help it. I was torn between being mad at him and trying to understand why didn't he tell me before. I felt like I've been tricked.
We were doing fine ! This, I so badly wanted to tell him. At that point I imagined myself screaming and shouting in front of him, throwing everything in sight on the ground, breaking them. So not my usual demeanour, but in this subconscious world of mine I didn't understand why wasn't I behaving like my usual self. Or maybe I did know, and I wanted to find the outcome of my actions. I raced out of the room, hoping wholeheartedly that he would come after me.
He didn't.
The truth that he didn't intended to tell me in the first place was nice slash itself. It was as though he was waiting for me to make the move so that his guilt could be reduced as my depression that came after was triggered by myself.
I didn't want to talk to him, to stay mad, to make him realize the consequence of his actions, but I know that he probably doesn't even care and I'll end up hurting myself.
He told me he loves me, but what is the value behind those words when he never intended to fight for me?
But I thank him for making me realize what love really feels like despite the messed up relationship before in which I thought had destroyed me.
'Do you know what it feels like to be a lover? A half of a whole?'
- Mal, Inception.
- -
4) Something I've stumbled upon on Facebook which I thought I wouldn't take it close to heart, but I cared more than I expected myself to.
I really really have to stop taking things personally. On a related note, I always think that if people were to not take things so personally they would've been successful much, much earlier. Too bad even I don't apply it in my life.
So, I found out that he's in a relationship now. With another girl whom I assume is Indonesian (looks like it).
Pictures of them celebrating his birthday, with captions of him thanking her for the brilliant surprise.
Pictures of them celebrating her birthday, with red rose petals strewn across the floor in a room bathed in romantic candle light.
Let me tell you how I feel. Honestly, I felt kinda sad. I got a little depressed after that. And I'm not entirely sure why. I mean, it's not as though I'm still in love with him. It was not as if I'd jump back into a relationship with him, given the chance to.
But seeing how he treated this girl through these pictures - I felt mad. We've been together for six bloody years and she's been with him for like what, a few months? Days? I just don't see the justice of his treatment to her, when I did so much more for him.
Two fucking thousand - and I was still incognito. What did she do to deserve this?
Or maybe he knew I was watching. Maybe I was walking right into it.
And then I started weighing out the lives when we were still together and the one after we got out of each others' lives...
...I'm glad he left.
- -
I really really have to stop taking things personally. On a related note, I always think that if people were to not take things so personally they would've been successful much, much earlier. Too bad even I don't apply it in my life.
So, I found out that he's in a relationship now. With another girl whom I assume is Indonesian (looks like it).
Pictures of them celebrating his birthday, with captions of him thanking her for the brilliant surprise.
Pictures of them celebrating her birthday, with red rose petals strewn across the floor in a room bathed in romantic candle light.
Let me tell you how I feel. Honestly, I felt kinda sad. I got a little depressed after that. And I'm not entirely sure why. I mean, it's not as though I'm still in love with him. It was not as if I'd jump back into a relationship with him, given the chance to.
But seeing how he treated this girl through these pictures - I felt mad. We've been together for six bloody years and she's been with him for like what, a few months? Days? I just don't see the justice of his treatment to her, when I did so much more for him.
Two fucking thousand - and I was still incognito. What did she do to deserve this?
Or maybe he knew I was watching. Maybe I was walking right into it.
And then I started weighing out the lives when we were still together and the one after we got out of each others' lives...
...I'm glad he left.
- -
5) Being able to prove myself academically.
January 2013 did not start out right for me, to be honest. I was a problematic kid for my school and I felt that I was at the verge of getting thrown out any time. I scored below 30 points for my exams and I did not meet scholarship requirements, and I was worried about paying almost twenty thousand back to the school. I did not have the face to see my coordinator for I felt that I was a liability to the programme, and everybody was just being distantly nice to me without being genuinely concerned about my welfare. I got myself into disciplinary problems and I was requested to take pregnancy tests.
My father took me to get lunch while asking me what my problem was. Where my confidence was.
My mother stared at me dolefully when I told her about the test. Star child is now a disappointment.
When my coordinator said that the scholarship penalty will not be taken into account, I honestly believed that a miracle had happened. Despite feeling like a liability for the next few months, I worked. Hard. I studied out of fear.
Fear, it seems, serves as a great source of motivation.
My seven-point feat came as a surprise to everyone especially my coordinator. He said he's never seen anything like this before. It sounded impossible, but I did it.
It felt fucking amazing to be the Unexpected.
- -
January 2013 did not start out right for me, to be honest. I was a problematic kid for my school and I felt that I was at the verge of getting thrown out any time. I scored below 30 points for my exams and I did not meet scholarship requirements, and I was worried about paying almost twenty thousand back to the school. I did not have the face to see my coordinator for I felt that I was a liability to the programme, and everybody was just being distantly nice to me without being genuinely concerned about my welfare. I got myself into disciplinary problems and I was requested to take pregnancy tests.
My father took me to get lunch while asking me what my problem was. Where my confidence was.
My mother stared at me dolefully when I told her about the test. Star child is now a disappointment.
When my coordinator said that the scholarship penalty will not be taken into account, I honestly believed that a miracle had happened. Despite feeling like a liability for the next few months, I worked. Hard. I studied out of fear.
Fear, it seems, serves as a great source of motivation.
My seven-point feat came as a surprise to everyone especially my coordinator. He said he's never seen anything like this before. It sounded impossible, but I did it.
It felt fucking amazing to be the Unexpected.
- -
6) Staying over at Carynn's place in Penang.
It was for a cycling event but this break was kinda anticipated because I was looking forward to a few days spent in Penang, a magical place renowned for food and well, Tim stays there - so it's pretty self-explanatory.
Generally, staying over Carynn's place kinda made me feel belonged. We also went to Escape and it was awesome. Bootcamp is mediocre compared to it hahaha. I think everybody should try !
- -
It was for a cycling event but this break was kinda anticipated because I was looking forward to a few days spent in Penang, a magical place renowned for food and well, Tim stays there - so it's pretty self-explanatory.
Generally, staying over Carynn's place kinda made me feel belonged. We also went to Escape and it was awesome. Bootcamp is mediocre compared to it hahaha. I think everybody should try !
- -
7) My birthday.
My birthday in 2013 seemed to be one of the worst birthdays I've ever experienced in life. I spent the eve of my birthday crying about the break up and generally I just felt that everybody didn't give a shit about me despite wishing me over Facebook - which they wouldn't if Facebook never reminded them.
I never had a cake, I remember. No special dinner. I just cried myself dry, hoping that he'd call and wish me a happy birthday.
Tori and Emily had a Skype session with me all the way from Arizona in the afternoon while I was home alone - so did Hieu from Texas - and that brightens up everything for awhile.
My birthday in 2013 seemed to be one of the worst birthdays I've ever experienced in life. I spent the eve of my birthday crying about the break up and generally I just felt that everybody didn't give a shit about me despite wishing me over Facebook - which they wouldn't if Facebook never reminded them.
I never had a cake, I remember. No special dinner. I just cried myself dry, hoping that he'd call and wish me a happy birthday.
Tori and Emily had a Skype session with me all the way from Arizona in the afternoon while I was home alone - so did Hieu from Texas - and that brightens up everything for awhile.
Then I insisted to return to FIS earlier, because I wanted to be alone. As pathetic as it sounds I cried the whole night between intervals of texting Tim, who was in the airport leaving to the States, and finishing up last minute posters and delegate tags for the MUN conference held tomorrow.
- -
8) The IB, obviously.
When I wasn't busy getting killed by the IB, I was actually having quite some fun.
Wednesday, 1 January 2014
2014
I've made it a point to use a pen in writing my stuff down today because I haven't held a pen for a too damned long time and I was afraid that my hands couldn't get used to it. Got a new planner from my dad :D I love planners because carrying them make me look important wtf. Also I never got to finish them actually..
So ! 2014. I can't believe that I'm twenty this year oh my god. In all honesty I feel like I am still seventeen trapped in a twelve-year-old body. (it's kinda legit, because people in Canada think I am fourteen.)
New Year Resolutions ! (in no particular order of importance, I'm just listing them down according to what I think of at the moment)
1) Club. I never thought myself as the clubbing type but I'd like to give it a try. After all I AM twenty, I think it's pretty appropriate for me to try it out !
2) Wake up early. Actually, wake up in the morning. No, wake up before 11 a.m. Haha. Yes, I am that much of a pig and this one here is a real challenge !
3) Look good and be beautiful. As much as I hate wearing skirts, I actually like how they make me look. Demure and ladylike. I noticed that I also enjoy playing with cosmetics now and how great they make me look after applying them. I used to think that make up is a real nuisance and I'm a great fan of this ideology about 'if a guy really loves you he won't care about your looks' but sorry girls, this is a lie. Everyone eventually cares about looks. Appearance plays a far more important and equally superficial role in our lives than we think and we should stop denying it.
4) Get proper heels. I'm looking at black pumps :D but shoes nowadays are so expensive (to me, at least). I can probably afford it but I'm too much of a miser to spend so much on myself. But I guess I should treat it as a necessity now since I'm twenty !
5) Get a tattoo. IF I get into university.
6) Learn a new language. I want to know at least five languages in my course of life. Nothing show-offy (okay maybe a little), just a personal goal to be a polyglot. I'm looking at Japanese :D because my recent visit to Japan had really imprinted a great impression on me and I really really adore Japanese culture now.
7) Be single. I don't think I'm kidding about this - I need the year to myself, and only for myself. I don't want to be involved romantically with any male organism now. It wouldn't do me any good anyway - any good for both of us - because now I believe that for a relationship to actually work out, I've got to find myself first. And that's what I want to do within this year - to understand myself better without the influence of others. All hail singledom !
8) Wear a bikini. Prancing around in it in my own room doesn't count.
9) Understand myself better. I realized, in utter horror one day, that I don't really know myself, and that my choices are often influenced and decisions are made taking into account of another person's well being.
10) Nurture spirituality. Not religion, because that's harder and more complex for me to understand.
11) Be mentally strong. To be free from doubts, worries, and the fact that people are better than me.
12) Exercise more frequently. I haven't done so in the past six months at least .__. and I really want awesome legs !
13) Get another sponsorship to go somewhere again for free (hopefully).
14) Be nice to people without expectations.
15) Care more for people, especially my family. Especially my parents.
16) Express myself better and be more involved in social situations.
17) Sustain this blog, at least until 2014 is over.. then I'll decide again whether if blogging's healthy for me.
- - -
I need to talk to someone about this. The fact that I'm always envious about the good fortune of others instead of being happy for them, always comparing myself to others - it just isn't healthy and I know it.
But I couldn't stop it. It has gotten worse.
Everybody wants something. They're not here because they are. Be careful about who you share your thoughts with - not everyone cares, but everyone is genuinely curious.
- - -
The reason why I restarted blogging is because I find it hard to remember things nowadays. Extremely. I don't know if it's me, or if it's because of my old age, or maybe due to the fact that I sleep no earlier than 2 a.m., it's hard to keep track of things now - I have to keep refreshing my memory on things by referring to them constantly. I suppose now that I blog it'll be helpful to keep tabs on what have happened as my brain does not have the luxury to dwell on such matters anymore.
Trust me, I've weighed out the pros and cons - cons being the fact that I'm exposing on the Internet, a place which I regarded where cyber danger lies and whatever I published will one day be used against me. Hence, for now, this shall remain a private blog (in which I hope to empty the doubts in my head which constantly pesters me) until the day I decide that I'm stable enough to face the world.
Also I hope to boost my essay writing skills because I realized they kinda deteriorated (UCAS nearly killed me).
At the point of writing this I feel utterly soothed and I pray this tranquillity will remain.
Let's just hope that this one here won't end with a depressing note like my other five blogs, eh?
So ! 2014. I can't believe that I'm twenty this year oh my god. In all honesty I feel like I am still seventeen trapped in a twelve-year-old body. (it's kinda legit, because people in Canada think I am fourteen.)
New Year Resolutions ! (in no particular order of importance, I'm just listing them down according to what I think of at the moment)
1) Club. I never thought myself as the clubbing type but I'd like to give it a try. After all I AM twenty, I think it's pretty appropriate for me to try it out !
2) Wake up early. Actually, wake up in the morning. No, wake up before 11 a.m. Haha. Yes, I am that much of a pig and this one here is a real challenge !
3) Look good and be beautiful. As much as I hate wearing skirts, I actually like how they make me look. Demure and ladylike. I noticed that I also enjoy playing with cosmetics now and how great they make me look after applying them. I used to think that make up is a real nuisance and I'm a great fan of this ideology about 'if a guy really loves you he won't care about your looks' but sorry girls, this is a lie. Everyone eventually cares about looks. Appearance plays a far more important and equally superficial role in our lives than we think and we should stop denying it.
4) Get proper heels. I'm looking at black pumps :D but shoes nowadays are so expensive (to me, at least). I can probably afford it but I'm too much of a miser to spend so much on myself. But I guess I should treat it as a necessity now since I'm twenty !
5) Get a tattoo. IF I get into university.
6) Learn a new language. I want to know at least five languages in my course of life. Nothing show-offy (okay maybe a little), just a personal goal to be a polyglot. I'm looking at Japanese :D because my recent visit to Japan had really imprinted a great impression on me and I really really adore Japanese culture now.
7) Be single. I don't think I'm kidding about this - I need the year to myself, and only for myself. I don't want to be involved romantically with any male organism now. It wouldn't do me any good anyway - any good for both of us - because now I believe that for a relationship to actually work out, I've got to find myself first. And that's what I want to do within this year - to understand myself better without the influence of others. All hail singledom !
8) Wear a bikini. Prancing around in it in my own room doesn't count.
9) Understand myself better. I realized, in utter horror one day, that I don't really know myself, and that my choices are often influenced and decisions are made taking into account of another person's well being.
10) Nurture spirituality. Not religion, because that's harder and more complex for me to understand.
11) Be mentally strong. To be free from doubts, worries, and the fact that people are better than me.
12) Exercise more frequently. I haven't done so in the past six months at least .__. and I really want awesome legs !
13) Get another sponsorship to go somewhere again for free (hopefully).
14) Be nice to people without expectations.
15) Care more for people, especially my family. Especially my parents.
16) Express myself better and be more involved in social situations.
17) Sustain this blog, at least until 2014 is over.. then I'll decide again whether if blogging's healthy for me.
- - -
I need to talk to someone about this. The fact that I'm always envious about the good fortune of others instead of being happy for them, always comparing myself to others - it just isn't healthy and I know it.
But I couldn't stop it. It has gotten worse.
Everybody wants something. They're not here because they are. Be careful about who you share your thoughts with - not everyone cares, but everyone is genuinely curious.
- - -
The reason why I restarted blogging is because I find it hard to remember things nowadays. Extremely. I don't know if it's me, or if it's because of my old age, or maybe due to the fact that I sleep no earlier than 2 a.m., it's hard to keep track of things now - I have to keep refreshing my memory on things by referring to them constantly. I suppose now that I blog it'll be helpful to keep tabs on what have happened as my brain does not have the luxury to dwell on such matters anymore.
Trust me, I've weighed out the pros and cons - cons being the fact that I'm exposing on the Internet, a place which I regarded where cyber danger lies and whatever I published will one day be used against me. Hence, for now, this shall remain a private blog (in which I hope to empty the doubts in my head which constantly pesters me) until the day I decide that I'm stable enough to face the world.
Also I hope to boost my essay writing skills because I realized they kinda deteriorated (UCAS nearly killed me).
At the point of writing this I feel utterly soothed and I pray this tranquillity will remain.
Let's just hope that this one here won't end with a depressing note like my other five blogs, eh?
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