The feeling is equivalent to a strong urge to run away from everything
This is never a post suggesting us to break apart, never. It's just that, I'm having this very conflicted mindset now and it bothers me too much (and the fact that it even bothers me makes me even more agitated at myself) so I figured that I need to have an outlet or else I'll probably end up killing myself
Are you afraid yet? Because I am very, very afraid at how mentally unsound I'd imagine I'd look now.
I am very in love with you. That is a universal truth.
I love you, but I don't think I'm doing it right, and neither are you.
Great, I'm losing my train of thought more than I'm losing my mind.
You call my love a form of obsession, but to me, I'm just very, very in love with you. Do you even know how this obsession feels like? Every time you pick
The conflict lies here - I'm standing on the fine line of rationality and obsession.
I want what's best for you and I am in all support for whatever you do. Why wouldn't I? But I felt like a mother waving to her child, waiting at the sidelines. Watch you play, grow ...wondering when you'll realize that you don't need me anymore. That I no longer contribute to your interests
And guess what
I half want to tell you about my insecurities. I want to tell you that my deepest fear is that you'd meet someone one day - someone better, shares your interests and gets involved in them, and slowly realize I was a mistake
Slowly, I said. For as you get to know her better, as parts of her gets revealed, you'd compare them to my faults, you'd convince yourself you deserve better
Better than this girl here who wants all of your attention, your love. Who would find simple comfort in just lying next to you doing nothing. Who would peek into windows of your moments to know what you're up to, if we could do something together next perhaps, and try not to let it show when 12 turns to 2 and you're still not back home
I wanted to show you how disappointed I am, but at the ring of your voice I knew I couldn't bear wasting time to put up a tantrum
I could say terrible things, I could. I'm torn between being completely transparent with my feelings, and hiding them from you, and having you put off by my insecurities because deep down, I fear that it is my insecurity that might contribute to a self-fulfilling prophecy
Sometimes I wonder, are all relationships like this? Does it require someone to swallow the tears and be thankful that at least, at least, they'd get to have you, they'd exist at the back of your mind?
What about me what about me what about me. I'd wait, and wait for the day that you'd pick me over everything else. Maybe that is a proof of your love in my books. What if I like being basic, and I'd already went the extra of asking why don't you do certain things when you know I'd wish you do, and your answer would simply be it's just not what I do
If I know you like something, I'd do it
If you love me, why wouldn't you? If I'm really who you said - someone you're afraid to lose, someone different from the rest of the girls you've dated - why wouldn't you?
And that sums up the problem of us I suppose, a problem all too familiar to me and you - I'd do things and expect the same out of you.
Remember how I said sometimes I really feel your love
I wish you did it more.
I'm not even mad. The most acute feeling right now is nausea ...cold shivering. Which I know by now are notable symptoms when I'm having a depressive episode. I don't know where to begin to cure this. We've had this discussion before I suppose during August, in which you concluded that I needed to do 'things' to take my mind off the tendency to overthink
I tried
I tried i tried i tried
I figured out it'd be nice (for both of us, primarily me) to have more human interaction besides each other (which you don't even have a problem at) so I thought I'd entertain the spontaneous side of me to see how it goes. It would be a lie to tell you that these two days with a friend had not been entertaining, but it would also be a lie to tell you that I have felt much better from this trial-therapy. All I wanted to do, half the time, was to be alone and wishing I was home and
Solitude is solace and monsters
