it's probably the ego speaking

The feeling is equivalent to a strong urge to run away from everything

This is never a post suggesting us to break apart, never. It's just that, I'm having this very conflicted mindset now and it bothers me too much (and the fact that it even bothers me makes me even more agitated at myself) so I figured that I need to have an outlet or else I'll probably end up killing myself

Are you afraid yet? Because I am very, very afraid at how mentally unsound I'd imagine I'd look now.

I am very in love with you. That is a universal truth.

I love you, but I don't think I'm doing it right, and neither are you.

Great, I'm losing my train of thought more than I'm losing my mind.

You call my love a form of obsession, but to me, I'm just very, very in love with you. Do you even know how this obsession feels like? Every time you pick

The conflict lies here - I'm standing on the fine line of rationality and obsession.

I want what's best for you and I am in all support for whatever you do. Why wouldn't I? But I felt like a mother waving to her child, waiting at the sidelines. Watch you play, grow ...wondering when you'll realize that you don't need me anymore. That I no longer contribute to your interests

And guess what

I half want to tell you about my insecurities. I want to tell you that my deepest fear is that you'd meet someone one day - someone better, shares your interests and gets involved in them, and slowly realize I was a mistake

Slowly, I said. For as you get to know her better, as parts of her gets revealed, you'd compare them to my faults, you'd convince yourself you deserve better

Better than this girl here who wants all of your attention, your love. Who would find simple comfort in just lying next to you doing nothing. Who would peek into windows of your moments to know what you're up to, if we could do something together next perhaps, and try not to let it show when 12 turns to 2 and you're still not back home

I wanted to show you how disappointed I am, but at the ring of your voice I knew I couldn't bear wasting time to put up a tantrum

I could say terrible things, I could. I'm torn between being completely transparent with my feelings, and hiding them from you, and having you put off by my insecurities because deep down, I fear that it is my insecurity that might contribute to a self-fulfilling prophecy

Sometimes I wonder, are all relationships like this? Does it require someone to swallow the tears and be thankful that at least, at least, they'd get to have you, they'd exist at the back of your mind?

What about me what about me what about me. I'd wait, and wait for the day that you'd pick me over everything else. Maybe that is a proof of your love in my books. What if I like being basic, and I'd already went the extra of asking why don't you do certain things when you know I'd wish you do, and your answer would simply be it's just not what I do

If I know you like something, I'd do it

If you love me, why wouldn't you? If I'm really who you said - someone you're afraid to lose, someone different from the rest of the girls you've dated - why wouldn't you?

And that sums up the problem of us I suppose, a problem all too familiar to me and you - I'd do things and expect the same out of you.

Remember how I said sometimes I really feel your love

I wish you did it more.

I'm not even mad. The most acute feeling right now is nausea ...cold shivering. Which I know by now are notable symptoms when I'm having a depressive episode. I don't know where to begin to cure this. We've had this discussion before I suppose during August, in which you concluded that I needed to do 'things' to take my mind off the tendency to overthink

I tried

I tried i tried i tried

I figured out it'd be nice (for both of us, primarily me) to have more human interaction besides each other (which you don't even have a problem at) so I thought I'd entertain the spontaneous side of me to see how it goes. It would be a lie to tell you that these two days with a friend had not been entertaining, but it would also be a lie to tell you that I have felt much better from this trial-therapy. All I wanted to do, half the time, was to be alone and wishing I was home and

Solitude is solace and monsters

Why think the worst of others? Are you good enough? What right do you have to judge others?

Note to self

Do not just dwell on ideas. Start doing it.

Addressed to you, but potentially undelivered to you

And I'm not sure if its the best decision. I have lost to the trigger-sensitive hostility which I have promised to keep in control, the same hostility I have apologized for the last time I unceremoniously exploded.

The main reason why I'm pretty upset can be summed up pretty simply: You can do this for a friend - but you couldn't do it for me?

From the limited information you have graciously bestowed me with, which you reluctantly insist that the privacy of others should not be publicly declared, the only form of drama which seemed to be engaging enough to keep you occupied until dawn - and interesting enough for you to even forgo sleep is a relationship problem of a friend of yours.

But she's a friend and she started crying out of the blue, I've been placed in a position where I need to help. What would you have expected me to do? Ask her to suck it up and go to sleep? 

I'm not sure if you realized, but that was exactly what you told me to do

I was upset too, but you told me to go and think through it myself and you'll talk to me tomorrow once I've sobered up from my problems

Why didn't you tell her that instead? Why can't you tell her to resolve it herself?

I'm not asking you to mistreat a friend. What I don't understand is, why did she deserve a shoulder to cry on but I don't?


...



Am I exaggerating if I say that in a hypothetical model, if someone were to get hurt, it would be me, and you would think that I deserve it because it has happened before?

Look, stop crying over things I've explained before. If you're not okay with it there's nothing I can do.
It's the same old problem, deal with it yourself because I'm not in the mood and I need to sleep.

Oh, hey there, oh shit, you're crying? Man, I better calm you down because I can't leave you hanging like that. You sure you're okay now? Wow it's morning but yea, happy to help, as long as you feel fine.

Priorities are hard to determine, aren't they?


...


The best way to resolve a relationship problem is to confront them yourself. You interfere as listener in hers when you couldn't resolve your own?

If you're tired of hearing me out, maybe I should call someone in the middle of the night as well, someone who would listen - a familiar situation in which the characters are interchanged, where you are no longer the concerned friend but part of the conversation.

But perhaps you have never considered that before, for you're too busy making sure she's okay, but you're too tired to face me

in that case, I'd rather be a friend, if that means you would prioritize my feelings

...


It's like you're having a problem with studio, but since it always happens, I'd help another friend out with his from scratch, while telling you that I'd come back to you when you finally have a solution to the problem.

I'd never do that. I'd never get sick of helping you.


....


Bb, the only reason why I decided not to end the call yet when you told me to is because we never sleep unhappy. I don't want us to not be happy. I don't want you to be annoyed at me. I want us to sleep with the knowledge that whatever problem that we have, it is now resolved. Because that's what we always do.

That is why I decided not to even tell you about whats bothering me anymore, because if I really want you to be undisturbed by my recurring issues, I wouldn't even have let our the slightest hint

I wouldn't tell you half a story, and let you wonder what the rest of the chapters are about, which took up half your day.

But you would, and you'd tell me that the story is meant for your ears only, as I sat here thinking what could possibly be so interesting - interesting enough for you to forgo your sleep, interesting enough to keep you engaged until the day breaks, interesting enough to ensure her well being when you couldn't give two shits about mine just a few hours ago.

interesting enough for you to note when it is appropriate to finally end the call. because she's all right now.


...

Sometimes I wonder if you ever think that I prioritize my friends over you. I wonder why'd you trust me.

I think it's because I always tell you everything. I have always been transparent with you.


...

What happened yesterday made me realize that I am not entitled anything . It's a very humbling experience, because I often assume that well always share anything between each other - but of course, with me gladly talking to you about anything and everything about the world , i have dangerously assumed that you would do the same.

I won't force it out of you, and I mean it. Because if you wanted to let me know in the first place, I won't even have to ask.

Bb, you kept asking if I want to know. to be honest, I don't even want to know what is the issue anymore. I'm no longer interested. It seemed like an old story long gone, and I don't want to be that annoying fly hovering around food that was not meant for me. I hope that your friend will find her happiness one day, and that your generous shoulder for her to cry on that night has helped her to get some perspective with her life.

At least one of us has you, and she doesn't have to compromise or settle with your terms, for you have gladly entertained her without a doubt .You would have gladly entertained anyone else without a doubt, if they come to you with a problem.

...


Your last and closing shot has always been the same and consistently painful. 'I knew shouldn't have told you.'


...


My dear

It pains me a lot to swallow this

I was never jealous. I'm very upset, sick, and disgusted that if someone is upset, you take your time and listen with patience; But if it was me, you'd tell me to cut it out

I feel that if you'd have to pick, I'd never stand a chance to be understood.

There is never a particular person associated to 'her'. It could be anyone - past, present, future.

Are you obliged to listen to her? Do you feel obliged to stay up and listen to her problems and make sure she's okay before you both go to sleep do you feel it's your duty to do so

A damsel which you feel obliged to save, you and only you.

Why didn't you make sure I'm okay before we go to sleep do you not care if I'm alright

Do you feel less heroic if you chose to save me, although I've always managed to set myself on fire, when you seem to be vaguely, selectively aware that my attempted suicide stemmed from the your oblivious fanning of the flames?

Would you get tired of saving me one day? Would you let me burn, and as you watch you'd tell me if I hadn't had such a short fuse this wouldn't happen in the first place?

It's a never-ending cycle, my dear.



...


An analogy

i know the way home. its late. u threw me the keys and told me to drive myself back. you'd send her home and ensure that she reaches her doorstep safe.

but its late and im alone, i say

its not the first time you'd be late, you say. i'll call you tomorrow when you reach home at the end of the day.


...

I have been a big bitch tonight.

Not just tonight, but for two complete days.

I could swear that the whole episode was totally unintentional, but we both know who it is to blame. I can't help but be insecure but

You only hate the world because you're not good enough.

It's true.