I have 5849584 terrible things to say to you but I can't say it because I don't wanna hurt you.

'Don't do this.'

What do you mean, don't do this? I wouldn't fucking do this if you didn't fucking do that knowing that I'll get shit pissed. You know me well. There are only those few things that could easily tick me off. And you just have to fucking do it. Is this a game for you? Testing how far Ariel can go before she explodes?

I don't understand how you see it. Are you doing this and expecting me to swallow it down because you 'thought much higher about me and wouldn't get riled up by these petty things'? 'Because I trust Ariel is independent and smart enough to handle it'?

I can't fucking live like this. I'm torn between acting like a confident, independent lady laughing it off and driving over to not let you go. I'm torn because I so badly want to do the latter but I can't, because it would reflect badly on me and you'll see me as an overly-obsessive sensitive little prick who can't handle a bit of competition.

I wanted to text you so badly every second to validate ...validate what exactly? I don't know, you tell me. I don't even know why I do such little things for knowing that I'd suffer either consequences. I know you'd hate texting on your phone while you're out with someone. But I just had to - had to know that your attention on me far triumphs your attention on her. It's horribly egoistical but it gives me a small dose of triumph, like I'm winning tiny battles. But when you don't ....

Mmm I know you're trying your best though. I hope you are.

If you were to ask me - why am I getting so pissed off at this?

Good lord, I don't know why you'd never understand. I don't know why can't you understand. All you have to do is to step into my shoes. If you knew that I once flirted with my ex-boyfriend in an intimate manner despite us no longer being together and now I'm going out with him, with him at complete disregard that I HAVE A FUCKING BOYFRIEND ALREADY (because that's utter disrespect), wouldn't you have felt the same?

Does she know that you have a girlfriend? Is she concerned and aware about my feelings when she decides to go out with you? Did she ask you if I'm okay about it? Because that's what real friends do, and if she didn't she clearly thinks and decides that I wasn't important enough for you. She shoves me and my feelings aside. She doesn't fucking respect our relationship.

You say that I don't trust you. I do trust you, and the reason I'm upset wasn't because I was afraid you would fall for her again (I would seriously question your logic) *rolls eyes* I trust that you know better than to do that.

The more I thought about it, the more I realize that the whole issue isn't entirely about jealousy. I'm upset because I feel that I don't matter to you.

I feel that my feelings are negligible to you. I feel that you don't care enough about how I felt because you're doing something which you know would hurt me. I feel that you didn't care that you're hurting me (because you're clearly going ahead with what you planned anyway) and you're expecting me to man up and face it. You're going to continue doing what I detest, and expecting me to take it in and accept it.

It's like me enjoying shoving cheese onto your face and asking you to eat it when you clearly didn't like cheese. You'd show a margin of tolerance and swallow it down even though its disgusting af, but you'd get mad eventually because I keep doing it. You'd ask me to stop doing it because you don't like it.

But I'd say, but there's nothing wrong with shoving cheese onto peoples' faces - you're just overreacting. There's nothing to worry about. And I'd do it again to you and you get mad, and you tell me to stop because you don't like it.

So to make you happy, I'll stop. I'd say sulkily, fine, I'll stop if it doesn't make you happy. I'll stop as fast as possible, you happy now?

Do you see how it looks like now, Shaun? You only stop it when I voice it out to you. You don't stop it because you know I don't like it.

I'm not your mother, Shaun. I don't want to have to tell you off. I'm your girl. I want to know that you care, and not be burdened with your high expectations of my sky-high tolerance regarding this issue.

Sometimes I wonder if you could ever understand how I felt, but if you didn't, I would think that maybe I wasn't that important to you - not enough to stop you from hurting my feelings.

I'm in a horribly bitter position now - I can't laugh it off, and I can't express my anger to you. I can't I can't I can't. I wanted to let you know how I really feel so badly and I did at occasional outbursts of rage-driven messages, and at that interval of waiting for your reply I regretted instantly, knowing that you'd learn.

You'd learn better that to hide it from me than to tell me. Because the truth that we all know is, I can't handle the truth.

It would only be a beautiful lie if I told you to have fun.