how do i tell my coordinator that i can't use the recommendation letter given to me by ms ellan because well, cardiff will laugh at it.
Monday, 10 February 2014
ohmygodwhatthefuck i just woke up.
i told myself i would wake up at like 9.30 and made sure that andrew would call me to wake me up knowing that i haven't got much discipline myself. but i snoozed my alarms and lied to andrew that i AM waking up and he didn't suspected a thing and hence i woke up at two minutes past midnight.
fuck. fuck fuck fuck.
okay okay i really need to do work. im doing my chem IAs now, which i hate and hate even more when people go asking me 'oh have you done your EE?' when they see what i am doing and im like 'no bitch' and i don't see your concern or your point of asking unless my answer gives you comfort and reduces your guilt and panic.
one at a time baby. no stress. i hope. i pray.
edit 0210:
three down, five more to go. COME ON. YOU CAN DO THIS.
finish this IA about enthalpy changes and you'll get a cup of ribena.
edit 0219:
don't compare don't compare don't compare ...keep at your own pace ...
edit 0304:
ohmygod why am i keep checking facebook when i know there won't be any fresh news cause every normal being is asleep at the moment???
edit 0416:
WHY HAS EVERYONE BEEN TO FRANCE
i told myself i would wake up at like 9.30 and made sure that andrew would call me to wake me up knowing that i haven't got much discipline myself. but i snoozed my alarms and lied to andrew that i AM waking up and he didn't suspected a thing and hence i woke up at two minutes past midnight.
fuck. fuck fuck fuck.
okay okay i really need to do work. im doing my chem IAs now, which i hate and hate even more when people go asking me 'oh have you done your EE?' when they see what i am doing and im like 'no bitch' and i don't see your concern or your point of asking unless my answer gives you comfort and reduces your guilt and panic.
one at a time baby. no stress. i hope. i pray.
edit 0210:
three down, five more to go. COME ON. YOU CAN DO THIS.
finish this IA about enthalpy changes and you'll get a cup of ribena.
edit 0219:
don't compare don't compare don't compare ...keep at your own pace ...
edit 0304:
ohmygod why am i keep checking facebook when i know there won't be any fresh news cause every normal being is asleep at the moment???
edit 0416:
WHY HAS EVERYONE BEEN TO FRANCE
Sunday, 9 February 2014
dear whoever who reads this blog but that's highly unlikely because this blog is now private,
if you're reading this i just want you to know that i am really really really really tired. im exhausted, and i don't want to do this anymore. i am tired of doing work, and staying up to do them is just plain annoying although i am not that sleepy. the main reason why i stay up because that happens to be the most productive time of my day. and then i am tired of sleeping, knowing that i'll wake up in two or one hour's time because that's when classes start and i have to drag my ass down to do MORE work. and then the 10.10 breaktime will come and i'll have to rush up to my room and plop myself on the bed to get as much sleep as i can in twenty minutes and when the bell rings i have to get down to class to do more work again.
i basically had just summed up my schedule for half the day.
i need motivation. i really do. nothing currently drives me.. okay maybe friday does motivate and keep me happy a little. what do i think about friday? i don't know. i am expecting it and i am excited for it, but i don't know what to expect out of it.
do you understand me?
edit 1439:
work due now:
8 x chemistry IAs, in which 3 of them are designs
3 x economics IAs, in which 1 is a redo
1 x physics IA, in which i haven't started on
1 x math exploration - i just have to write something for the conclusion and pray for the best !
edit 1458:
andrew's giving me a history lesson now about the apartheid and nelson mandela. how entertaining !
can't imagine someone staying up late just to read bits of trivia.
edit 1614:
omg andrew's dad was a policeman. also, it's good to know that everyone hasn't done work.
it's always nice to know that you're not the only one in deep shit.
edit 1633:
the more he talks, the more i realize how brilliant he actually is, and the more i really want him to succeed.
if you're reading this i just want you to know that i am really really really really tired. im exhausted, and i don't want to do this anymore. i am tired of doing work, and staying up to do them is just plain annoying although i am not that sleepy. the main reason why i stay up because that happens to be the most productive time of my day. and then i am tired of sleeping, knowing that i'll wake up in two or one hour's time because that's when classes start and i have to drag my ass down to do MORE work. and then the 10.10 breaktime will come and i'll have to rush up to my room and plop myself on the bed to get as much sleep as i can in twenty minutes and when the bell rings i have to get down to class to do more work again.
i basically had just summed up my schedule for half the day.
i need motivation. i really do. nothing currently drives me.. okay maybe friday does motivate and keep me happy a little. what do i think about friday? i don't know. i am expecting it and i am excited for it, but i don't know what to expect out of it.
do you understand me?
edit 1439:
work due now:
8 x chemistry IAs, in which 3 of them are designs
3 x economics IAs, in which 1 is a redo
1 x physics IA, in which i haven't started on
1 x math exploration - i just have to write something for the conclusion and pray for the best !
edit 1458:
andrew's giving me a history lesson now about the apartheid and nelson mandela. how entertaining !
can't imagine someone staying up late just to read bits of trivia.
edit 1614:
omg andrew's dad was a policeman. also, it's good to know that everyone hasn't done work.
it's always nice to know that you're not the only one in deep shit.
edit 1633:
the more he talks, the more i realize how brilliant he actually is, and the more i really want him to succeed.
ok ok ok ok i really really really have to finish this if not i won't get to have fun on friday. which is valentine's day. andrew's taking me out ! :D
or tuesday. which is romasha's birthday.
omg self. remember what you told yourself? you said you want to be part of the smart-party people. people who work hard and party harder. what happened to that ?!! do your work goddammit.
work due now:
8 x chemistry IAs, in which 3 of them are designs
3 x economics IAs, in which 1 is a redo
1 x physics IA, in which i haven't started on
1 x math exploration - i just have to write something for the conclusion and pray for the best !
kkkk what are you still doing here self. go back to work
or tuesday. which is romasha's birthday.
omg self. remember what you told yourself? you said you want to be part of the smart-party people. people who work hard and party harder. what happened to that ?!! do your work goddammit.
work due now:
8 x chemistry IAs, in which 3 of them are designs
3 x economics IAs, in which 1 is a redo
1 x physics IA, in which i haven't started on
1 x math exploration - i just have to write something for the conclusion and pray for the best !
kkkk what are you still doing here self. go back to work
Friday, 3 January 2014
Reminiscence
I was researching about A Levels art portfolios and I came across really, really good ones. And now I'm starting to get a tad bit scared. Not intimidated, because 1) those portfolios are really really good and 2) I have none to begin with so no comparison can be even draw LOL.
And to add on that, I just sent in my UCAS application. I kinda hate myself for applying for architecture now - something that requires a portfolio which is currently non existent in my case - instead of applying for a course that doesn't need me to flyover for an interview, a BMAT or LMAT examination or a portfolio.
I'm really screwed, am I? *derp*
- - -
1) The IB World Student Conference (IBWSC) in UBC, Canada.
This has to be the best thing that has ever happened in 2013 for me. I mean, c'mon, I've managed to land my ass in a country half a globe away from my own, for free (okay I do have to pay for my own visa but that doesn't count) - but the whole point is, how many people actually get such an opportunity?! I guess I was really, really lucky.
It was a shit awesome experience for me because Vancouver is freaking beautiful and UBC had been a great host (single rooms, buffet breakfast with bacon almost everyday - you get the idea). I made a lot of new friends (white people yey) and I am really glad to keep in touch with them.
Tori and Emily are really, really nice to me by Skyping with me to wish me a happy birthday ! I really hope that one day we'll meet up because I miss them to bits <3
Of course there's Hieu and Hogan too, my favourite Texans. I thought Hogan was pretty cute at first glance and Hieu is pretty much one of the friendliest people I've met in the conference.
A few notable scenes in my week in Vancouver:
- People think its pretty weird for me to drink hot chocolate for breakfast because apparently that's a drink for winter?!
- The first thing I said to my Texas buds. "So, do you guys really have cowboys?" Oh my god why did I say that.
- That strawberry yoghurt in the food hall was really, really good.
- Had my first dancing experience. On a deck. On a private cruise. In Vancouver.
- In the same cruise, the sushi served for dinner was pretty bad LOL I could find better ones in Malaysia.
- I fed wasabi to my Texan friend and laughed as he choke I'M SORRY I'M SORRY
- Dude in my group from mainland China was soooo shocked when he knows I speak Mandarin hahaha I swear, being Malaysian isn't that bad. Don't get me started on "wow, you speak good English" please.
- On the bright side, I've only encountered one person who doesn't know where Malaysia actually is.
- I had the worst sandwich ever in Robson Square, it was like eating cardboard.
- My bathroom mate was from Taiwan and I really regretted not talking much to her.
- Xander was cute and I really wished I spent more time with him <3
- I never really liked my GAT group. I doubt any of my team members liked it. The experience would've greatly improved if everyone didn't wish they were somewhere else.
- I didn't get to swim because the pool was closed earlier than we expected :C
- We wallked. A LOT. I'm not even kidding, I think I haven't walked that much in a week before.
- That Starbucks tumbler I got from Vancouver was sold a little cheaper than the ones sold in Malaysia.
Overall I couldn't ask for more because it was really awesome beyond words. When I first received the email from UBC saying that I got the scholarship, my hands are shaking. My hands don't shake easily, even when I'm nervous (I usually stutter a lot) - they do when I'm excited, and at that point I'm excited beyond words because I wanted to tell the whole world that I'm going to Canada for free, but I restrained myself because I don't want to sound too show-offy. I mean, if someone did that to me I'd probably be jealous for the rest of my life, shut myself in the room and form completely ridiculous reasons why I should start hating her.
Then I forwarded the email to my parents - never called, because I wanted them to find it in a more unexpected manner. They called me once they read it and it brings me incomparable joy hearing how happy they are for me.
I think that it also kinda made me grew more independent because I freaking did all the visa applications by myself.
Oh did I mentioned that I wasn't the only one who got the scholarship? Kendrix did too, and it was a pretty awkward twenty-hour flight with him to Vancouver (I'm pretty positive that he felt the same too - we weren't exactly very close in class). Nevertheless, he was a great guide because he was constantly in an out of the country while the last international flight I had was when I was ten. LOL. Thanks, Kendrix.
Oh my god I realized how long I've written for this section. This can actually be a whole blog post by itself. Please bear with me !
When we arrived we were ushered to meet so many important people - I had a hard time remembering who's who, but I've successfully came to actual contact with my email correspondences. Naomi and Karen had offered great assistance across the net and this wouldn't have been possible without them :')
I honestly thought that UBC was my sponsor but apparently not ! After being introduced to Karen, she introduced me to Jenni Williams from OSC, whose organization funded our expenses.
- -
2) Travelling to Japan with my family.
My family aren't big spenders, and trips are usually done within Malaysia - hence I'd hope you'd understand how big a surprised it came to me when my parents decided to bring us to Japan in December !
How do I even start.
JAPAN IS FUCKING BEAUTIFUL. And cold. Yes, and cold. But that didn't stop Japanese chicks from keeping up with their fashion trends !
I've only been to Kyoto, Hida Takayama and Osaka - not even great cities like Tokyo - and I'm already in love with this city. I promise I will make a post about Japan. Soon.
How do I even start.
JAPAN IS FUCKING BEAUTIFUL. And cold. Yes, and cold. But that didn't stop Japanese chicks from keeping up with their fashion trends !
I've only been to Kyoto, Hida Takayama and Osaka - not even great cities like Tokyo - and I'm already in love with this city. I promise I will make a post about Japan. Soon.
- -
3) The break-up.
This didn't come as a big surprise. I saw it coming, but I hadn't prepared for it and I had definitely not expected it so soon.
When it started, it went smoothly. I honestly thought I've found a love independently after I got over the fact that they shared a same name.
Despite everything, I did know one thing - that I've genuinely loved Tim.
It was really weird how I was sank by the same person who pulled me out of my mess one year ago. I knew he didn't mean it, but I was so, so mad when he did it. And it wasn't like he intended to tell me, if I hadn't asked !
Sometimes I feel like an idiot, trying to keep us both afloat.
All I know was I kept crying about it - about someone who I knew didn't deserved me. But I couldn't help it. I was torn between being mad at him and trying to understand why didn't he tell me before. I felt like I've been tricked.
We were doing fine ! This, I so badly wanted to tell him. At that point I imagined myself screaming and shouting in front of him, throwing everything in sight on the ground, breaking them. So not my usual demeanour, but in this subconscious world of mine I didn't understand why wasn't I behaving like my usual self. Or maybe I did know, and I wanted to find the outcome of my actions. I raced out of the room, hoping wholeheartedly that he would come after me.
He didn't.
The truth that he didn't intended to tell me in the first place was nice slash itself. It was as though he was waiting for me to make the move so that his guilt could be reduced as my depression that came after was triggered by myself.
I didn't want to talk to him, to stay mad, to make him realize the consequence of his actions, but I know that he probably doesn't even care and I'll end up hurting myself.
He told me he loves me, but what is the value behind those words when he never intended to fight for me?
But I thank him for making me realize what love really feels like despite the messed up relationship before in which I thought had destroyed me.
When it started, it went smoothly. I honestly thought I've found a love independently after I got over the fact that they shared a same name.
Despite everything, I did know one thing - that I've genuinely loved Tim.
It was really weird how I was sank by the same person who pulled me out of my mess one year ago. I knew he didn't mean it, but I was so, so mad when he did it. And it wasn't like he intended to tell me, if I hadn't asked !
Sometimes I feel like an idiot, trying to keep us both afloat.
All I know was I kept crying about it - about someone who I knew didn't deserved me. But I couldn't help it. I was torn between being mad at him and trying to understand why didn't he tell me before. I felt like I've been tricked.
We were doing fine ! This, I so badly wanted to tell him. At that point I imagined myself screaming and shouting in front of him, throwing everything in sight on the ground, breaking them. So not my usual demeanour, but in this subconscious world of mine I didn't understand why wasn't I behaving like my usual self. Or maybe I did know, and I wanted to find the outcome of my actions. I raced out of the room, hoping wholeheartedly that he would come after me.
He didn't.
The truth that he didn't intended to tell me in the first place was nice slash itself. It was as though he was waiting for me to make the move so that his guilt could be reduced as my depression that came after was triggered by myself.
I didn't want to talk to him, to stay mad, to make him realize the consequence of his actions, but I know that he probably doesn't even care and I'll end up hurting myself.
He told me he loves me, but what is the value behind those words when he never intended to fight for me?
But I thank him for making me realize what love really feels like despite the messed up relationship before in which I thought had destroyed me.
'Do you know what it feels like to be a lover? A half of a whole?'
- Mal, Inception.
- -
4) Something I've stumbled upon on Facebook which I thought I wouldn't take it close to heart, but I cared more than I expected myself to.
I really really have to stop taking things personally. On a related note, I always think that if people were to not take things so personally they would've been successful much, much earlier. Too bad even I don't apply it in my life.
So, I found out that he's in a relationship now. With another girl whom I assume is Indonesian (looks like it).
Pictures of them celebrating his birthday, with captions of him thanking her for the brilliant surprise.
Pictures of them celebrating her birthday, with red rose petals strewn across the floor in a room bathed in romantic candle light.
Let me tell you how I feel. Honestly, I felt kinda sad. I got a little depressed after that. And I'm not entirely sure why. I mean, it's not as though I'm still in love with him. It was not as if I'd jump back into a relationship with him, given the chance to.
But seeing how he treated this girl through these pictures - I felt mad. We've been together for six bloody years and she's been with him for like what, a few months? Days? I just don't see the justice of his treatment to her, when I did so much more for him.
Two fucking thousand - and I was still incognito. What did she do to deserve this?
Or maybe he knew I was watching. Maybe I was walking right into it.
And then I started weighing out the lives when we were still together and the one after we got out of each others' lives...
...I'm glad he left.
- -
I really really have to stop taking things personally. On a related note, I always think that if people were to not take things so personally they would've been successful much, much earlier. Too bad even I don't apply it in my life.
So, I found out that he's in a relationship now. With another girl whom I assume is Indonesian (looks like it).
Pictures of them celebrating his birthday, with captions of him thanking her for the brilliant surprise.
Pictures of them celebrating her birthday, with red rose petals strewn across the floor in a room bathed in romantic candle light.
Let me tell you how I feel. Honestly, I felt kinda sad. I got a little depressed after that. And I'm not entirely sure why. I mean, it's not as though I'm still in love with him. It was not as if I'd jump back into a relationship with him, given the chance to.
But seeing how he treated this girl through these pictures - I felt mad. We've been together for six bloody years and she's been with him for like what, a few months? Days? I just don't see the justice of his treatment to her, when I did so much more for him.
Two fucking thousand - and I was still incognito. What did she do to deserve this?
Or maybe he knew I was watching. Maybe I was walking right into it.
And then I started weighing out the lives when we were still together and the one after we got out of each others' lives...
...I'm glad he left.
- -
5) Being able to prove myself academically.
January 2013 did not start out right for me, to be honest. I was a problematic kid for my school and I felt that I was at the verge of getting thrown out any time. I scored below 30 points for my exams and I did not meet scholarship requirements, and I was worried about paying almost twenty thousand back to the school. I did not have the face to see my coordinator for I felt that I was a liability to the programme, and everybody was just being distantly nice to me without being genuinely concerned about my welfare. I got myself into disciplinary problems and I was requested to take pregnancy tests.
My father took me to get lunch while asking me what my problem was. Where my confidence was.
My mother stared at me dolefully when I told her about the test. Star child is now a disappointment.
When my coordinator said that the scholarship penalty will not be taken into account, I honestly believed that a miracle had happened. Despite feeling like a liability for the next few months, I worked. Hard. I studied out of fear.
Fear, it seems, serves as a great source of motivation.
My seven-point feat came as a surprise to everyone especially my coordinator. He said he's never seen anything like this before. It sounded impossible, but I did it.
It felt fucking amazing to be the Unexpected.
- -
January 2013 did not start out right for me, to be honest. I was a problematic kid for my school and I felt that I was at the verge of getting thrown out any time. I scored below 30 points for my exams and I did not meet scholarship requirements, and I was worried about paying almost twenty thousand back to the school. I did not have the face to see my coordinator for I felt that I was a liability to the programme, and everybody was just being distantly nice to me without being genuinely concerned about my welfare. I got myself into disciplinary problems and I was requested to take pregnancy tests.
My father took me to get lunch while asking me what my problem was. Where my confidence was.
My mother stared at me dolefully when I told her about the test. Star child is now a disappointment.
When my coordinator said that the scholarship penalty will not be taken into account, I honestly believed that a miracle had happened. Despite feeling like a liability for the next few months, I worked. Hard. I studied out of fear.
Fear, it seems, serves as a great source of motivation.
My seven-point feat came as a surprise to everyone especially my coordinator. He said he's never seen anything like this before. It sounded impossible, but I did it.
It felt fucking amazing to be the Unexpected.
- -
6) Staying over at Carynn's place in Penang.
It was for a cycling event but this break was kinda anticipated because I was looking forward to a few days spent in Penang, a magical place renowned for food and well, Tim stays there - so it's pretty self-explanatory.
Generally, staying over Carynn's place kinda made me feel belonged. We also went to Escape and it was awesome. Bootcamp is mediocre compared to it hahaha. I think everybody should try !
- -
It was for a cycling event but this break was kinda anticipated because I was looking forward to a few days spent in Penang, a magical place renowned for food and well, Tim stays there - so it's pretty self-explanatory.
Generally, staying over Carynn's place kinda made me feel belonged. We also went to Escape and it was awesome. Bootcamp is mediocre compared to it hahaha. I think everybody should try !
- -
7) My birthday.
My birthday in 2013 seemed to be one of the worst birthdays I've ever experienced in life. I spent the eve of my birthday crying about the break up and generally I just felt that everybody didn't give a shit about me despite wishing me over Facebook - which they wouldn't if Facebook never reminded them.
I never had a cake, I remember. No special dinner. I just cried myself dry, hoping that he'd call and wish me a happy birthday.
Tori and Emily had a Skype session with me all the way from Arizona in the afternoon while I was home alone - so did Hieu from Texas - and that brightens up everything for awhile.
My birthday in 2013 seemed to be one of the worst birthdays I've ever experienced in life. I spent the eve of my birthday crying about the break up and generally I just felt that everybody didn't give a shit about me despite wishing me over Facebook - which they wouldn't if Facebook never reminded them.
I never had a cake, I remember. No special dinner. I just cried myself dry, hoping that he'd call and wish me a happy birthday.
Tori and Emily had a Skype session with me all the way from Arizona in the afternoon while I was home alone - so did Hieu from Texas - and that brightens up everything for awhile.
Then I insisted to return to FIS earlier, because I wanted to be alone. As pathetic as it sounds I cried the whole night between intervals of texting Tim, who was in the airport leaving to the States, and finishing up last minute posters and delegate tags for the MUN conference held tomorrow.
- -
8) The IB, obviously.
When I wasn't busy getting killed by the IB, I was actually having quite some fun.
Wednesday, 1 January 2014
2014
I've made it a point to use a pen in writing my stuff down today because I haven't held a pen for a too damned long time and I was afraid that my hands couldn't get used to it. Got a new planner from my dad :D I love planners because carrying them make me look important wtf. Also I never got to finish them actually..
So ! 2014. I can't believe that I'm twenty this year oh my god. In all honesty I feel like I am still seventeen trapped in a twelve-year-old body. (it's kinda legit, because people in Canada think I am fourteen.)
New Year Resolutions ! (in no particular order of importance, I'm just listing them down according to what I think of at the moment)
1) Club. I never thought myself as the clubbing type but I'd like to give it a try. After all I AM twenty, I think it's pretty appropriate for me to try it out !
2) Wake up early. Actually, wake up in the morning. No, wake up before 11 a.m. Haha. Yes, I am that much of a pig and this one here is a real challenge !
3) Look good and be beautiful. As much as I hate wearing skirts, I actually like how they make me look. Demure and ladylike. I noticed that I also enjoy playing with cosmetics now and how great they make me look after applying them. I used to think that make up is a real nuisance and I'm a great fan of this ideology about 'if a guy really loves you he won't care about your looks' but sorry girls, this is a lie. Everyone eventually cares about looks. Appearance plays a far more important and equally superficial role in our lives than we think and we should stop denying it.
4) Get proper heels. I'm looking at black pumps :D but shoes nowadays are so expensive (to me, at least). I can probably afford it but I'm too much of a miser to spend so much on myself. But I guess I should treat it as a necessity now since I'm twenty !
5) Get a tattoo. IF I get into university.
6) Learn a new language. I want to know at least five languages in my course of life. Nothing show-offy (okay maybe a little), just a personal goal to be a polyglot. I'm looking at Japanese :D because my recent visit to Japan had really imprinted a great impression on me and I really really adore Japanese culture now.
7) Be single. I don't think I'm kidding about this - I need the year to myself, and only for myself. I don't want to be involved romantically with any male organism now. It wouldn't do me any good anyway - any good for both of us - because now I believe that for a relationship to actually work out, I've got to find myself first. And that's what I want to do within this year - to understand myself better without the influence of others. All hail singledom !
8) Wear a bikini. Prancing around in it in my own room doesn't count.
9) Understand myself better. I realized, in utter horror one day, that I don't really know myself, and that my choices are often influenced and decisions are made taking into account of another person's well being.
10) Nurture spirituality. Not religion, because that's harder and more complex for me to understand.
11) Be mentally strong. To be free from doubts, worries, and the fact that people are better than me.
12) Exercise more frequently. I haven't done so in the past six months at least .__. and I really want awesome legs !
13) Get another sponsorship to go somewhere again for free (hopefully).
14) Be nice to people without expectations.
15) Care more for people, especially my family. Especially my parents.
16) Express myself better and be more involved in social situations.
17) Sustain this blog, at least until 2014 is over.. then I'll decide again whether if blogging's healthy for me.
- - -
I need to talk to someone about this. The fact that I'm always envious about the good fortune of others instead of being happy for them, always comparing myself to others - it just isn't healthy and I know it.
But I couldn't stop it. It has gotten worse.
Everybody wants something. They're not here because they are. Be careful about who you share your thoughts with - not everyone cares, but everyone is genuinely curious.
- - -
The reason why I restarted blogging is because I find it hard to remember things nowadays. Extremely. I don't know if it's me, or if it's because of my old age, or maybe due to the fact that I sleep no earlier than 2 a.m., it's hard to keep track of things now - I have to keep refreshing my memory on things by referring to them constantly. I suppose now that I blog it'll be helpful to keep tabs on what have happened as my brain does not have the luxury to dwell on such matters anymore.
Trust me, I've weighed out the pros and cons - cons being the fact that I'm exposing on the Internet, a place which I regarded where cyber danger lies and whatever I published will one day be used against me. Hence, for now, this shall remain a private blog (in which I hope to empty the doubts in my head which constantly pesters me) until the day I decide that I'm stable enough to face the world.
Also I hope to boost my essay writing skills because I realized they kinda deteriorated (UCAS nearly killed me).
At the point of writing this I feel utterly soothed and I pray this tranquillity will remain.
Let's just hope that this one here won't end with a depressing note like my other five blogs, eh?
So ! 2014. I can't believe that I'm twenty this year oh my god. In all honesty I feel like I am still seventeen trapped in a twelve-year-old body. (it's kinda legit, because people in Canada think I am fourteen.)
New Year Resolutions ! (in no particular order of importance, I'm just listing them down according to what I think of at the moment)
1) Club. I never thought myself as the clubbing type but I'd like to give it a try. After all I AM twenty, I think it's pretty appropriate for me to try it out !
2) Wake up early. Actually, wake up in the morning. No, wake up before 11 a.m. Haha. Yes, I am that much of a pig and this one here is a real challenge !
3) Look good and be beautiful. As much as I hate wearing skirts, I actually like how they make me look. Demure and ladylike. I noticed that I also enjoy playing with cosmetics now and how great they make me look after applying them. I used to think that make up is a real nuisance and I'm a great fan of this ideology about 'if a guy really loves you he won't care about your looks' but sorry girls, this is a lie. Everyone eventually cares about looks. Appearance plays a far more important and equally superficial role in our lives than we think and we should stop denying it.
4) Get proper heels. I'm looking at black pumps :D but shoes nowadays are so expensive (to me, at least). I can probably afford it but I'm too much of a miser to spend so much on myself. But I guess I should treat it as a necessity now since I'm twenty !
5) Get a tattoo. IF I get into university.
6) Learn a new language. I want to know at least five languages in my course of life. Nothing show-offy (okay maybe a little), just a personal goal to be a polyglot. I'm looking at Japanese :D because my recent visit to Japan had really imprinted a great impression on me and I really really adore Japanese culture now.
7) Be single. I don't think I'm kidding about this - I need the year to myself, and only for myself. I don't want to be involved romantically with any male organism now. It wouldn't do me any good anyway - any good for both of us - because now I believe that for a relationship to actually work out, I've got to find myself first. And that's what I want to do within this year - to understand myself better without the influence of others. All hail singledom !
8) Wear a bikini. Prancing around in it in my own room doesn't count.
9) Understand myself better. I realized, in utter horror one day, that I don't really know myself, and that my choices are often influenced and decisions are made taking into account of another person's well being.
10) Nurture spirituality. Not religion, because that's harder and more complex for me to understand.
11) Be mentally strong. To be free from doubts, worries, and the fact that people are better than me.
12) Exercise more frequently. I haven't done so in the past six months at least .__. and I really want awesome legs !
13) Get another sponsorship to go somewhere again for free (hopefully).
14) Be nice to people without expectations.
15) Care more for people, especially my family. Especially my parents.
16) Express myself better and be more involved in social situations.
17) Sustain this blog, at least until 2014 is over.. then I'll decide again whether if blogging's healthy for me.
- - -
I need to talk to someone about this. The fact that I'm always envious about the good fortune of others instead of being happy for them, always comparing myself to others - it just isn't healthy and I know it.
But I couldn't stop it. It has gotten worse.
Everybody wants something. They're not here because they are. Be careful about who you share your thoughts with - not everyone cares, but everyone is genuinely curious.
- - -
The reason why I restarted blogging is because I find it hard to remember things nowadays. Extremely. I don't know if it's me, or if it's because of my old age, or maybe due to the fact that I sleep no earlier than 2 a.m., it's hard to keep track of things now - I have to keep refreshing my memory on things by referring to them constantly. I suppose now that I blog it'll be helpful to keep tabs on what have happened as my brain does not have the luxury to dwell on such matters anymore.
Trust me, I've weighed out the pros and cons - cons being the fact that I'm exposing on the Internet, a place which I regarded where cyber danger lies and whatever I published will one day be used against me. Hence, for now, this shall remain a private blog (in which I hope to empty the doubts in my head which constantly pesters me) until the day I decide that I'm stable enough to face the world.
Also I hope to boost my essay writing skills because I realized they kinda deteriorated (UCAS nearly killed me).
At the point of writing this I feel utterly soothed and I pray this tranquillity will remain.
Let's just hope that this one here won't end with a depressing note like my other five blogs, eh?
Saturday, 28 December 2013
Hmm
Debating whether or not to privatize my blog; also, whether or not to continue blogging. Because I am THAT fickle.
Also, I don't know if I'd stay committed to this one :/ it's so hard to find ideas to blog about these days - but based on previous blogging experiences it wasn't that hard once you get the ball rolling.
First Law of Motion, heh. Thanks Newton.
edit 0026:
Maybe I should privatize it and I'll open it up when I'm comfortable with my progresss.
Also, I don't know if I'd stay committed to this one :/ it's so hard to find ideas to blog about these days - but based on previous blogging experiences it wasn't that hard once you get the ball rolling.
First Law of Motion, heh. Thanks Newton.
edit 0026:
Maybe I should privatize it and I'll open it up when I'm comfortable with my progresss.
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